When I was young, if any of us kids got sick, my mother would bring out the chicken soup. Of course, that didn't' work for broken bones; for broken bones, she gave us boiled beef.
- George Burns
My daughter asked me what it's like to have kids, so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
What's it like having a toddler?
Imagine raising a heavily caffeinated chimpanzee who is allergic to sleep.
Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.
George Burns has some of the best one-liners!
George: Gracie, did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby?
Gracie: Oh no! We couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it herself.
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
I'm ready to be a parent because I just told the oil change guy "no" 15 times in 30 seconds.
Caller ID should be more detailed: "Wants Help Moving," "Going to Whine," "Will Ask to Borrow Money."
Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.
When I was little, I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me; looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.
My kids can't find their shoes when they need them, yet they can find that tiny bit of onion in their dinner.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford; then I'll move in with them.
Don't wear headphones while vacuuming; I've just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn't plugged in.
Deep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
"When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."
- Nora Ephron
The hardest part of parenting is realizing that it is your circus and those definitely are your monkeys.
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