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Parenting One-liners

  • George Burn's one-liner about soupWhen I was young, if any of us kids got sick, my mother would bring out the chicken soup. Of course, that didn't' work for broken bones; for broken bones, she gave us boiled beef.

    - George Burns

  • girl angryMy daughter asked me what it's like to have kids, so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

  • What is it like living with a toddler?What's it like having a toddler?

    Imagine raising a heavily caffeinated chimpanzee who is allergic to sleep.

  • mom and kids"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

  • parentingSaying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

  • burns and allenGeorge Burns has some of the best one-liners!

    George: Gracie, did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby?

    Gracie: Oh no! We couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it herself.

  • mother and daughterThe best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.  

  • bread butterThe hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.

  • child2Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

  • auto mechanicI'm ready to be a parent because I just told the oil change guy "no" 15 times in 30 seconds.

  • phone helpCaller ID should be more detailed: "Wants Help Moving," "Going to Whine," "Will Ask to Borrow Money."

  • giftChildren will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.

  • child3When I was little, I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me; looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

  • mealMy kids can't find their shoes when they need them, yet they can find that tiny bit of onion in their dinner.

  • couple oldI want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford; then I'll move in with them.

  • electrical cordDon't wear headphones while vacuuming; I've just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn't plugged in.

  • vacuumDeep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

  • dog scotty"When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."

    - Nora Ephron

  • Naughty childrenThe hardest part of parenting is realizing that it is your circus and those definitely are your monkeys.