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Parenting Oneliners

  • Oneliner #0997

    parentingSaying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

  • Oneliner #1045

    burns and allenGeorge Burns has some of the best one-liners!

    George: Gracie, did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby?

    Gracie: Oh no! We couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it herself.

  • Oneliner #1049

    mother and daughterThe best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.  

  • Oneliner #1051

    bread butterThe hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.

  • Oneliner #1053

    child2Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

  • Oneliner #1072

    auto mechanicI'm ready to be a parent because I just told the oil change guy "no" 15 times in 30 seconds.

  • Oneliner #1075

    phone helpCaller ID should be more detailed: "Wants Help Moving," "Going to Whine," "Will Ask to Borrow Money."

  • Oneliner #1086

    giftChildren will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.

  • Oneliner #1098

    child3When I was little, I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me; looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

  • Oneliner #1143

    mealMy kids can't find their shoes when they need them, yet they can find that tiny bit of onion in their dinner.

  • Oneliner #1154

    couple oldI want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford; then I'll move in with them.

  • Oneliner #1165

    electrical cordDon't wear headphones while vacuuming; I've just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn't plugged in.

  • Oneliner #1172

    vacuumDeep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

  • Oneliner #1197

    dog scotty"When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."

    - Nora Ephron

  • Oneliner #1232

    Naughty childrenThe hardest part of parenting is realizing that it is your circus and those definitely are your monkeys.