I was in a bathroom and I saw a sign that said employees must wash hands, but after I waited for what must've been 10 minutes no one came to wash my hands so I did it myself.
I wish some of my co-workers weren't allowed in the break room... because that's who I usually need a break from.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?
If I had known how successful I was going to be, I wouldn't have worked so hard when I was young!
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
Gonna stop making arbitrary deadlines: starting today.
If people could be paid to die for us, they'd get rich.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Every warning label has an awesome backstory.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Choose a degree in something you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life, because that field probably isn't hiring.
My boss said, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have;"
now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Deep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!
I'm starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD; I don't have it, I'm just hoping they'll take one look and start cleaning.