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Work Oneliners

  • Oneliner #0998

    wash handsI was in a bathroom and I saw a sign that said employees must wash hands, but after I waited for what must've been 10 minutes no one came to wash my hands so I did it myself.

  • Oneliner #1024

    coffee cupI wish some of my co-workers weren't allowed in the break room... because that's who I usually need a break from.

  • Oneliner #1028

    old ladyIf quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?

  • Oneliner #1038

    old coupleIf I had known how successful I was going to be, I wouldn't have worked so hard when I was young!

  • Oneliner #1044

    teapotDo Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

  • Oneliner #1050

    man stressedExperience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  • Oneliner #1058

    man2Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

  • Oneliner #1059

    cheeseThe early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • Oneliner #1061

    rainbowIf you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

  • Oneliner #1063

    calendarGonna stop making arbitrary deadlines: starting today.

  • Oneliner #1085

    moneyIf people could be paid to die for us, they'd get rich.

  • Oneliner #1087

    mistakeNo one is listening until you make a mistake.

  • Oneliner #1090

    mistake phoneTwo wrongs are only the beginning.

  • Oneliner #1107

    warningEvery warning label has an awesome backstory.

  • Oneliner #1111

    cat fishbowlSuccess always occurs in private and failure in full view.

  • Oneliner #1136

    universityChoose a degree in something you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life, because that field probably isn't hiring.

  • Oneliner #1142

    board roomMy boss said, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have;"

    now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

  • Oneliner #1172

    vacuumDeep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

  • Oneliner #1173

    keys and remoteThe only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!

  • Oneliner #1183

    messyI'm starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD; I don't have it, I'm just hoping they'll take one look and start cleaning.