Death Jokes

  • watch faceSt. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.

    "No, it's all right. It won't be long" and he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on. 

    St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again. 

    The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"

  • coffin crystalWill glass coffins be a success?

    Remains to be seen.

  • A doctor joke about a man who thinks he is deadPerhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. 

    Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. 

    "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. 

    "Yes, I do." The patient replied. 

    "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does 'that' tell you?"

    "Oh wow!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger. "Dead men *do* bleed!!"

  • woman secretSo grateful somebody invented window blinds or it would be curtains for all of us!

  • Funny Tombstones*Humorous Headstones*

    Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
    Born 1903-Died 1942
    Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
    It was.

    In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
    Here lies an Atheist
    All dressed up And no place to go.

    In a London, England cemetery:
    Here lies Ann Mann,
    Who lived an old maid
    But died an old Mann.
    Dec.  8, 1767

    In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
    Anna Wallace:
    The children of Israel wanted bread,
    And the Lord sent them manna.
    Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
    And the Devil sent him Anna.

    [gbwl]In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
    Here lies Johnny Yeast.
    Pardon me For not rising.

    In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
    Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
    Stepped on the gas
    Instead of the brake.

    In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
    Here lays The Kid.
    We planted him raw.
    He was quick on the trigger
    But slow on the draw.

    A lawyer's epitaph in England:
    Sir John Strange.
    Here lies an honest lawyer,
    And that is Strange.

    John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
    Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
    Dig 6 feet deep;
    And thou wilt find a Penny.

    In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
    On the 22nd of June,
    Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

    [gbwr]Anna Hopewell's grave in EnosburgFalls,Vermont:
    Here lies the body of our Anna -
    Done to death by a banana.
    It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
    But the skin of the thing that made her go.

    On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
    Under the sod and under the trees,
    Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
    He is not here, there's only the pod.
    Pease shelled out and went to God.

    In a cemetery in England:
    Remember man, as you walk by,
    As you are now, so once was I.
    As I am now, you soon will be.
    Prepare yourself and follow me.

    To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
    To follow you I'll not consent
    Until I know which way you went

    From Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
    Here lies Lester Moore
    One slug from a 44
    No Les
    No More

  • cemetaryThanks to Kim Harding for day's real life laugh from her family.

    Dear Pastor Tim,

    This is a true story, My husband's grandmother passed away and for many months afterwards my father-in-law made repeated phone calls to attempt to stop a company from sending mail to the house for his deceased mother.

    In frustration, he finally filled out a change of address card changing her address to the Jefferson Memorial Park where she was laid to rest.

    It worked! No more mailings came to the house.

  • A woman keeps her promise to send money with her deceased husband.There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

    He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me."

    And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

  • milkThe wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. 

    Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

  • Picture of PenniesAn old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

    "I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."

    The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."

    The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."

    The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount!"

  • water boil2R.I.P. boiled water; you will be mist.