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Death Jokes

  • Arrest at the Gate

    watch faceSt. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.

    "No, it's all right. It won't be long" and he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on. 

    St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again. 

    The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"

  • Dead Men

    A doctor joke about a man who thinks he is deadPerhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. 

    Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. 

    "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. 

    "Yes, I do." The patient replied. 

    "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does 'that' tell you?"

    "Oh wow!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger. "Dead men *do* bleed!!"

  • Mail Problems

    cemetaryThanks to Kim Harding for day's real life laugh from her family.

    Dear Pastor Tim,

    This is a true story, My husband's grandmother passed away and for many months afterwards my father-in-law made repeated phone calls to attempt to stop a company from sending mail to the house for his deceased mother.

    In frustration, he finally filled out a change of address card changing her address to the Jefferson Memorial Park where she was laid to rest.

    It worked! No more mailings came to the house.

  • Superior Milk

    milkThe wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. 

    Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

  • Taking It With You

    Picture of PenniesAn old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

    "I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."

    The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."

    The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."

    The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount!"

  • Vapor After-Life

    water boil2R.I.P. boiled water; you will be mist.