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Vacation One-liners

  • cruise shipMen, if you went on a cruise ship during your summer vacation and you met a woman and fell in love, here's some advice my wise old Uncle Waldo once told me:

    "There's a 50/50 chance that someday you'll wind up very she sick."

  • man upsetThe Monte Carlo casino refused to admit me until I was properly dressed so I went and found my stockings, and then came back and lost my shirt.

  • fireworksI've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday and I'll tell you what . . . never again!

  • compassI am always going the extra mile: because I never stop for directions.

  • man afraidSo, apparently airport security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.

  • lion"That's the last time I pet a lion!"

    - said Tom offhandedly