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Holiday Jokes

  • Attainable New Year's Resolutions

    new years_eveThis year, I resolve to...

    - Gain weight; at least 30 pounds.

    - Stop exercising; waste of time.

    - Read less; makes you think.

    - Watch more TV; I've been missing some good stuff.

    - Procrastinate more; starting tomorrow.

  • Chocolate Night Before Christmas

    The Chocolate Night Before ChristmasThe Chocolate Night Before Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
    Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
    Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
    In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

    While Mama in her girdle and I in chinstraps
    Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
    When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
    I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

  • Christmas Explained

    A Christmas Nativity SetThe other night, three-year-old Billy was showing the Terracotta nativity scene in his living room to his stuffed dragon.

    "This is an activity scene," he said to the dragon.

    "It's when they put breakable things out to watch the Baby Jesus sleep."

  • Christmas Riches

    traditional christmas_cardRick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.

    Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.

    Soon we started getting cards from friends signed "The Modest Morrisons," "The Clever Clarks," and "The Successful Smiths."

    Then it hit me.

    I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with "Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs."

  • City Envy

    ohio mapEvery time someone says, "Happy Columbus Day!" Dayton dies a little inside.

  • Fractured Christmas Carols

    christmas boyNo one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.  Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

    * Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
    * We three kings of porridge and tar
    * On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
    * Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
    * He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
    * Noel, noel, noel, noel; Barney's the king of Israel.
    * With the jelly toast proclaim
    * Olive, the other reindeer.
    * Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
    * Sleep in heavenly peas
    * In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
    * You'll go down in listerine
    * Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
    * Come, froggy faithful
    * You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
    * Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

  • Oneliner #1003

    fireworksI've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday and I'll tell you what . . . never again!

  • Oneliner #1150

    chocolateDid you know, chocolate makes your clothes shrink!?

  • The Top Seven things overhead on the Wise Men's Journey:

    desertThe Top Seven things overhead on the Wise Men's Journey to Bethlehem:

    7. Man, I'm starting to get a rush from this frankincense!

    6. You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like goat.

    5. You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.

    4. What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow? Phoenician?

    3. Hey, do you either of you know why "MYRRH" is spelled with a "Y" instead
    of a "U"?

    2. Okay, whose camel just spit?

    And the NUMBER ONE thing overheard on the Wise Men's journey to Bethlehem...

    1. All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.

  • Top 10 Holiday Gift Things To Say

    giftTop 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:

    10) Hey! There's a gift.

    9.) Well, well, well...

    8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

    7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.

    6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

    5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

    4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

    3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

    2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

    1.) I really don't deserve this.

  • You Know You Overdid Christmas Dinner When

    christmas foodYou Know You Overdid Christmas Dinner When . . .

    - Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

    - The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!

    - You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

    - Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.

    - Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

    - A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000."

    - That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

    - Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

    - Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.