What do we want?

A keyboard for fat fingers!

When do we want it?

BOW!

The Toughest Decision

SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?

For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps even a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But naturally you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.

WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"?

For those computer literate souls out there:

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defective Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

[gbwl]WWW - World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications.

He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.

The computer operated faultlessly.

It sent him a penguin.

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon when he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.

She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 key over twenty minutes ago!"

A man who worked the help desk for a large company received a call one day from a co-worker who called him because she couldn't figure out why her computer wouldn't come on.

So he asked her, "Did you plug it in?"

"Yes."

He then asked her, "Did you turn in on?"

She said, "Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of goober?"

*I.T. Department Computer Problem Self-Report Form*

1. Describe your problem: ______________________________

2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes,' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?____________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
________________________________

17. If 'nothing,' explain why you were logged in: ___________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________

20. Tell me about your childhood: _______________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or retreat?"

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

The computer instantly replies, "Yes, SIR!"

What is my New Years resolution?

I'll probably keep it at 1280x1024 like always.

Thanks for asking.

If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of you are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

I hate making spelling errors on Facebook; mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop; he just sat there drinking his coffee... like a psychopath.

I hate making spelling errors on Facebook; mix up 2 letters and your whole post is urined.

I don't know about you, but I find those "Out-of-the-Office" e-mail auto-replies very ordinary and tedious. Here are some fun alternatives:

1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

 To my children: Never make fun of having to help me with computer stuff. I taught you how to use a spoon.

- Sue Fitzmaurice

It was decided at Microsoft, during a brilliant brainstorming session, that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.

At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target.

The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

A story is told of an unemployed man who is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Signs you aren't very competent with a computer:

- You've backed-up your desktop by pushing it against the wall.

- You've put foam around the computer to prevent it from crashing.

- The soles of your shoes are worn out from re-booting your computer.

- You try to clear the screen by shaking the monitor up and down.

- You're Amish.

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"

(This joke applies to a time long ago, but just go with it. Some things never change!)

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, in-cognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...

Technician: Hello.  How can I help you today?

Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...

- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whether you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.

Optimist:
The glass is half full.

Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.

Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!