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Computer Jokes

  • Assisted Computing

    computer helpThe Toughest Decision

    SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?

    For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps even a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But naturally you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.

    WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"?

  • Computer Acronyms

    For those computer literate souls out there:

    computer-keyboardISDN - It Still Does Nothing

    APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

    SCSI - System Can't See It

    DOS - Defective Operating System

    BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

    IBM - I Blame Microsoft

    CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

    OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

    WWW - World Wide Wait

    MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

    PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

    COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

    WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

    GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out

    MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

  • Computer Dating

    computer keyboardA hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications.

    He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.

    The computer operated faultlessly.

    It sent him a penguin.

  • Help Desk

    office womanA man who worked the help desk for a large company received a call one day from a co-worker who called him because she couldn't figure out why her computer wouldn't come on.

    So he asked her, "Did you plug it in?"

    "Yes."

    He then asked her, "Did you turn in on?"

    She said, "Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of goober?"

  • I.T. Department Computer Problem Self-Report Form

    *I.T. Department Computer Problem Self-Report Form*

    computer keyboard1. Describe your problem: ______________________________

    2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________

    3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________

    4. Problem Severity:
    A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__

    5. Nature of the problem:
    A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__

    6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

    7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

    8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

    9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

    10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

    11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

    12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

    13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

    14. If `Yes,' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?____________

    15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________

    16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
    ________________________________

    17. If 'nothing,' explain why you were logged in: ___________________

    18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

    19. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________

    20. Tell me about your childhood: _______________________________

    21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

    22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

  • Long Passwords

    computer keyboardMy kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

    I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.

    "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

  • Military Computer Manners

    computer keyboardThe Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.

    To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or retreat?"

    The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."

    The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"

    The computer instantly replies, "Yes, SIR!"

  • New Years Resolution

    picture of computer screensWhat is my New Years resolution?

    I'll probably keep it at 1280x1024 like always.

    Thanks for asking.

  • Oneliner #1156

    computer stressI hate making spelling errors on Facebook; mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

  • Oneliner #1162

    coffee manI saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop; he just sat there drinking his coffee... like a psychopath.

  • Quote #1494

    quote 1494

     To my children: Never make fun of having to help me with computer stuff. I taught you how to use a spoon.

    - Sue Fitzmaurice

     

  • Signs you aren't very competent with a computer

    computer keyboardSigns you aren't very competent with a computer:

    - You've backed-up your desktop by pushing it against the wall.

    - You've put foam around the computer to prevent it from crashing.

    - The soles of your shoes are worn out from re-booting your computer.

    - You try to clear the screen by shaking the monitor up and down.

    - You're Amish.

  • Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

    movie seats- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

    - A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    - If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

    - Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

  • Waterology

    milk2I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whether you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.

    Optimist:
    The glass is half full.

    Pessimist:
    The glass is half empty.

    Apple Computer:
    You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.