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School Jokes

  • 14 Letters

    paper penRobert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test as part of the application process. Though both of them found the test a breeze, they also both admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

    "How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first... then I thought of Superintendent."

    "I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

  • 2 Sunday School Lessons

    *Sunday School Lesson #1*

    A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.

    One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."

    *Sunday School Lesson #2*

    The same Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.

    She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

    Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

    Jenny, a thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd vomit!"

  • 3rd Grader's Explanation of God

    Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."

    boy sitting"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

  • 4th Grade Experiment

    studentsThe fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

    When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

    She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?"

    Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead!!"

  • Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes

    classroom*  "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."

    *  "Ronnie would not finish his work last night.  He said his brain was too tired of spelling."

    *  "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend.  He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."

  • Back To School

    A Picture of a stack of booksAfter raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.

    The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.

    He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."

    I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

    The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"

  • Battle Hymn of Term Finals

    university buildingMine eyes have seen the horror
    Of the ending of the term
    It has poisoned all my spirits
    Like an apple with a worm
    It's infected all my freedom
    Like an ugly cancer germ
    The truth shall soon be known.

    Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
    Failure and humiliation,
    Failure, failure, academia,
    The truth shall soon be known.

  • Beginning School

    school-houseTommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on.

    Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

    Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.

    "What? Again?" he asked.

  • Cafeteria Sign

    chocolate chip cookiesChildren were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

    At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note: "Take only one, God is watching."

    Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

    A boy wrote a note: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

  • Charm School 101

    At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.  She said, "Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you."

    Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if man is in the restaurant ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."
  • Comfort

    sandwichesWhen the power failed at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.

    As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last - a home-cooked meal!"

  • Cry On for Crayons

    crayonsThe kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

    Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."

    "Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

    "Not really," Willie said. "What happened to all them crayons?"

  • Day Off From School

    phone2On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist.

    "Hello. Please mark William absent today," said the man.

    "Yes of course. May I ask why?" asked the receptionist.

    "He is sick," said the man.

    "No problem. May I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.

    "My uncle." said William.

  • Filler Mix-up

    periodic table#121 Um 298.7 - the element of confusion.

  • Fire Test

    fire stationJoey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.

    Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.

    The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"

    Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."

  • Foreign Encounter

    class2I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

    "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

    "Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

  • Good Morning

    universityWhen I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded, "Ah, you're Freshmen."

    Then he explained:

    "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen.

    "When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores.

  • GPA

    footballAt the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. 

    Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.

    "Oh, I have a 3.8, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said.  "What's your G.P.A.?"

    Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the highway."

  • High School Record

    Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach, Mr. Carlier. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw.

    Noticing my surprise, coach Carlier said, "That record will stand forever."

    I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that event years ago."
  • Homework Policy

    school houseHere is an explanation of the school homework policy:

    Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

    • 15 minutes looking for assignment.
    • 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
    • 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
    • 8 minutes in the bathroom.
    • 10 minutes getting a snack.
    • 7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
    • 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
    • 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
  • How does a home schooler change a light bulb?

    Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?

    A: First, mom checks three books on electricity out of the library, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life.  Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles.  Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five dollar bill.  On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five dollar bill.  Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed.  And there is light.

    Hats off to home schoolers!
  • How Was I Born?

    storkA boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

    "Well, Honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

    "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

    "Oh, the stork brought us too."

    "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

    "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

    Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

    "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

  • Johnny's F

    school houseLittle Johnny stared at his test paper.

    The big read "F" stared back at him.

    Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

    "Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

    "You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

    Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

  • Jonah Comeback

    fisheyeA little girl was talking to her teacher about Jonah being swallowed by a great fish. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a fish to swallow a human because even though they were large their throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a large fish.

    The teacher reiterated that a fish could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

  • Kid Quotes

    children3"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals."
    - Donna Maria G, age 9

    "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you."
    - Rob P, age 8

    "If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it."
    - Steven B, age 8

    "Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs."
    - Susie F., age 7

    "Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense."
    - Beau M., age 10

  • Knowledge

    childThe child comes home from his first day at school.

    His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

    The boy replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

  • Late For Sunday School

    A young boy came to Sunday School late. 

    His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

    The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

    The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?

    The boy replied, "Yes he did.  Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

  • Looking Funny

    antique gas pumpsAccording to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work.

    Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.

  • Meet Me For Lunch

    teacherThe teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

    After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"

    After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

  • Meeting With Teacher

    schoolMiss Smith and Little Johnny's father were having a parent teacher conference.

    Miss Smith said to Little Johnny's father, "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son."

    Little Johnny's father asked, "What's that?"

    "With grades like these, he couldn't possibly be cheating."

  • Memory School

    Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years.  Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.

    At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight.  You didn't need any help at all.  Why is that?"

    Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

    "Memory school?  What memory school?"

    Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns?  A really pretty flower...?"

    "A rose?"

    "Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose!  What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

  • Miles and Eggs

    schoolThe teacher noticed that Mike had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

    "Mike," she said. "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are three dollars a dozen, how old am I?"

    "Thirty-four," Mike answered without hesitation.

    The teacher replied, "Well, that's not far from the truth. Tell me... how did you guess?"

    "Oh, there's nothing to it," Mike said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

  • Mistakes

    mistake1If a barber makes a mistake,
    It's a new style...

    If a driver makes a mistake,
    It is an accident...

    If a engineer makes a mistake,
    It is a new venture...

    If parents makes a mistake,
    It is a new generation...

    If a politician makes a mistake,
    It is a new law...

  • Mr. Jones Is History

    usa mapMr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time.

    One day a week, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History.

    Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

    He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

    From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

  • Murphy's Laws for Parents

    fridge1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

    2. Leak proof thermoses will.

    3. The chance of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

    4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

    5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

  • One Room School

    The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse, which the buyer converted into a tavern.

    One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his granddaughter. The old man pointed to the building and said, "That's where I used to go to school."

    "Really?" asked the girl. "Who was the bartender then?"

  • Oneliner #1066

    ball basketDodgeball: America's twist on stoning.

  • Oneliner #1095

    math4 out of 3 people struggle with math.

  • Oneliner #1114

    book ideaTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  • Oneliner #1136

    universityChoose a degree in something you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life, because that field probably isn't hiring.

  • Oneliner #1179

    personA conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

  • Oneliner #1196

    face stressed2The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

  • Oneliner #1209

    man smileChoose a degree in something you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life, because that field probably isn't hiring.

  • Oneliner #1218

    mathIf I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my adult life, I'd have "n" dollars.

  • Parental Supervision

    classroomThe math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

    Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

  • Permitted To Learn

    car w driver2As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

    One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.

    When the first student had completed her time, I asked her to change places with one of the others.

    Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, she asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

  • Piranha Spell

    classroomWhile my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha."

    I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.

    That's when I overheard another pupil say to him,

    "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."

  • School Curlers

    ONE MORNING I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.

    "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

  • School Days

    Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

    "But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

    "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

    "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

    "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

    "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

    "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
  • School Daze

    It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

    The florist's son handed her a gift.  She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.  Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"  "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

    The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.  The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is.  A box of sweets."
    "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.  "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

    The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.  The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.  "Is it champagne?" she asked.  "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.  The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

    With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"