I look both ways before crossing a one-way street; that's how little faith I have in humanity!
Laughter is the best medicine - unless you have diarrhea.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning - or possibly just a very hairy guy; either way, the silver bullets worked.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Every warning label has an awesome backstory.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car: "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you!"
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
"That's the last time I pet a lion!"
- said Tom offhandedly
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