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Accident One-liners

  • traffic signI look both ways before crossing a one-way street; that's how little faith I have in humanity!

  • Diarrhea one-linerLaughter is the best medicine - unless you have diarrhea.

  • silver bullets one-linerSaw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning - or possibly just a very hairy guy; either way, the silver bullets worked.

  • castWhenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."

  • stormCan atheists get insurance for acts of God?

  • man2Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

  • mistakeNo one is listening until you make a mistake.

  • mistake phoneTwo wrongs are only the beginning.

  • warningEvery warning label has an awesome backstory.

  • cat fishbowlSuccess always occurs in private and failure in full view.

  • spiderI just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

  • car w driver2The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car: "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you!"

  • exercise treadmillUnless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

  • lion"That's the last time I pet a lion!"

    - said Tom offhandedly