Accident One-liners

  • Oneliner #1014

    castWhenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."

  • Oneliner #1027

    stormCan atheists get insurance for acts of God?

  • Oneliner #1058

    man2Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

  • Oneliner #1087

    mistakeNo one is listening until you make a mistake.

  • Oneliner #1090

    mistake phoneTwo wrongs are only the beginning.

  • Oneliner #1107

    warningEvery warning label has an awesome backstory.

  • Oneliner #1111

    cat fishbowlSuccess always occurs in private and failure in full view.

  • Oneliner #1185

    spiderI just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

  • Oneliner #1190

    car w driver2The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car: "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you!"

  • Oneliner #1208

    exercise treadmillUnless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

  • Safari Lesson

    lion"That's the last time I pet a lion!"

    - said Tom offhandedly