Caller ID should be more detailed: "Wants Help Moving," "Going to Whine," "Will Ask to Borrow Money."

I don't own a cell phone or a pager; I just hang around everyone I know, all the time and if someone wants to get hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

- Mitch Hedberg

Billion dollar idea: a smoke detector that shuts off when you yell, "I'm just cooking!"

I hate making spelling errors on Facebook; mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

Auto-correct can be so flippant annotating.

I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop; he just sat there drinking his coffee... like a psychopath.

The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!

Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

I hate making spelling errors on Facebook; mix up 2 letters and your whole post is urined.

Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, we would be planting so many trees and we'd probably save the planet too. Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breathe.

- Unknown