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Sports Jokes

  • *Famous Sports Quotes*

    sports balls"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
    --Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

    "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." 
    --Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

    "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
    --Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

    "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
    --Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker.

    "You guys line up alphabetically by height"
    --Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

    "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
    --Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

    "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class."
    --George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

    "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
    --Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

    "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
    -- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.

  • Best Man

    couple2A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.

    The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and was watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at the fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."

    His girlfriend snuggled closer and said to the surprised young man, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

  • Do You Understand?

    baseball1At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.

    "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

    "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes.

    "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

  • Football Newbie

    footballA guy took his girlfriend to a football game for the first time.

    After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

    "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

    "What on earth do you mean???"

    "Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was, "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

  • Help the Poor

    baseballOK, even though the Baseball strike was averted - there is still a need.

    Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

    Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our very own nation are living at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level.  And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life-giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming strike situation.

    But you can help!

  • Integrity Ref

    ball basketI was playing in a golf tournament with a longtime Big Ten basketball official who just retired.

    He was recollecting the first time he refereed in Bloomington, IN at Indiana University. As he told it:

    “I was very nervous. It was my first time in Bloomington and my first time refereeing a game with Bobby Knight. I was very nervous and was trying so hard to make every call right and equitable.

    “At the start of the second half, Indiana’s #23 positioned himself right next to me as we started play. I felt crowded so gave myself some extra room, but he stayed right with me! This went on for over 5 minutes…#23 closer to me than any opponent. I couldn't seem to shake him.

    “At the under 16-minute time out, I approached the Indiana bench and said, ‘Coach Knight, I couldn't help but notice that #23 stays very close to me - it’s like he’s guarding me!"

    “Coach Knight looked at me and said, ‘Son, at half time I told that player to guard the man who was giving us the most trouble... AND THAT’S YOU!'”

  • Oneliner #1066

    ball basketDodgeball: America's twist on stoning.

  • Preparing For Ski Season

    ski fallSki season will be here soon! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

    16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

    15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

    14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

  • Sports Close-up

    baseballI wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

    Then it hit me!

  • The Top Ten Things Not to Do at Your Child's Performance or Sports Event

    crowd110. Try to pep up the dance recital crowd by starting "the wave."

    9. Do a halftime trampoline show.

    8. With your buddies, spell out your child's name on your chests.

    7. Mimic the conductor.

    6. Start a paper airplane contest with the program.

    5. Clip your toenails.

  • Time to Pick Up

    parachuteA blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.  When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump.  My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

    "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

    "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

    "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

    The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack..."