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Logic One-liners

  • Spontaneous one-linerPlan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

  • Treachery one-linerAs far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.

  • Following my DreamsI'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • IQ Test One-linerTo kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

  • funny one-linerIf there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance.

  • A Nixon quoteI want to hear the voice of the great silent majority.

    - Richard Nixon

  • A self-annihilating sentence slash one-liner.My only reason for mentioning it is that it is irrelevant.

  • What to do if it involves me.If it involves me, I want nothing to do with it.

  • woman5I have my doubts about disbelief.

  • man4Idols depend on you; God doesn't. 

  • speed of dark one-linerOK, so what's the speed of dark?

  • woman angryHow do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

  • man sittingSelf-Annihilating Sentences

    Way down deep, he's shallow.

  • funny not exceptional one-linerSelf-Annihilating Sentences

    You have the distinction of being the only one who is not exceptional.

  • fog hornIf a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?

  • face funnyOkay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

  • hand writeI'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

  • couple argueI am not contradicting you!

  • sunset and canoeTomorrow, which isn't even here yet, will never be the day after tomorrow again.

  • rainbowIf you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

  • man laughHe who laughs last thinks slowest.

  • calendarGonna stop making arbitrary deadlines: starting today.

  • dice and paperStatistics show that statistics can't be trusted.

  • sponges2I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

  • nightA day without sunshine is like, night.

  • trafficWhen everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

  • math4 out of 3 people struggle with math.

  • glareIf you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced; that's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.

  • woman shrugOn one hand, I'm indecisive, but on the other, I'm not.

  • escalatorI like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an "Escalator temporarily stairs - sorry for the convenience" sign.

    - Mitch Hedberg, Comedy Central Presents

  • man grumpyIf there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

  • man dinerThe world is full of apathy, but I don't care.

  • woman4Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.

  • girlI'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

  • man officeIf we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.

  • personRegarding "Eternal Truths:"

    No matter where you go, there you are.

  • man2Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

    Show me an honest man and I'll show you a man who tells the truth.

  • snow sceneRegarding "Eternal Truths:"

    No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them.

  • abstractRegarding "Descriptions:"

    Words are incapable of describing what I am about to tell you.

  • mathRegarding "Descriptions:"

    This fact is clear to those who know it.

  • snow sceneRegarding "Eternal Truths:"

    No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them.

  • personA conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

  • mississippi"I never called you stupid; but when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi, and you asked if I was talking about the river or the state, it just kind of caught me off guard."

  • face stressed2The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

  • shoppingI used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...

  • man afraidSo, apparently airport security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.

  • man puzzledAnother "World's Oldest Man" has died; this is beginning to look suspicious.

  • WC FieldsOne Liner Advice: The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

    - W.C. Fields

  • woman shrugOne Liner Advice: Don't give up hope; there's a chance the inevitable won't happen.

  • person shrugOne Liner Advice: Survival is important, but don't stake your life on it.