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Newspaper Jokes

  • Cub Reporter

    newspaper2The newspaper editor was instructing the cub reporter in important details of his calling.

    "Never state as a fact anything you are not absolutely sure about," said the editor.

    "To avoid putting the paper in the position of stating something which it may not be able to prove, you should always use the words 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on, unless you know positively that everything is true as stated.

  • From British Newspapers

    newspaper1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

    - The Daily Telegraph

    2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

    - The Guardian

  • Sewing Machine Ad

    Poorly worded ad causes trouble.The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

    MONDAY:

    For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

    TUESDAY:

    Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

    WEDNESDAY:

    Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

    THURSDAY:

    Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

  • Swindled

    newspaper boy skyA newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it.  Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

    Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

    The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"