Position on Proposals: Getting down on one knee can be very engaging.
"A Freudian Slip: when you say one thing but mean a mother."
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time...
but you can never fool mom.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
My only reason for mentioning it is that it is irrelevant.
My daughter asked me what it's like to have kids, so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day... when I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a medieval weapon.
Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.
Why should I consider your questions, when you don't even know the answers?
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
- Edward Abbey
Be nice to your hairstylist because what's stopping them from plucking one of your hairs and putting it at a crime scene? Nothing.
My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"
I thought... "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."
I told my parents they're famous now. I asked my dad who should play him in the movie and his answer did not disappoint:
He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things; but I laugh more.
The trouble with you is that there's nothing wrong with you.
I am not contradicting you!
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
No one goes there anymore; it's too crowded.
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
- Nora Ephron
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Don't be condescending (that's when you talk down to people).
Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
"I loathe people who keep dogs; they are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
- August Strindberg
You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie; after a while it won't feel like you're alone anymore.
The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological; one is Psycho and the other is Logical - and whatever you do, don't try to figure out Who is Who.
I'm not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people; we haven't met yet.
I am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Ninety percent of being married is just shouting "What?" from other rooms.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Askhole: A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.
If Mom says "No," ask Nana; if Nana says "No"... who are we kidding? Nana never says "No!"
"Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them."
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