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One-liners

  • batmanLook Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.

  • bald2What do they put for 'hair color'  on the driver's licenses of bald men?

  • man thinkingOne-liner Advice: Every ambitious man should be modest.

  • man afraidMy dad would swear then say, "Excuse my French!" 

    One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.

  • Spontaneous one-linerPlan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

  • Treachery one-linerAs far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.

  • Free advice one-linerFree advice is worth what you paid for it.

  • Following my DreamsI'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • IQ Test One-linerTo kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

  • George Burn's one-liner about soupWhen I was young, if any of us kids got sick, my mother would bring out the chicken soup. Of course, that didn't' work for broken bones; for broken bones, she gave us boiled beef.

    - George Burns

  • manTo succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

  • funny one-linerIf there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance.

  • A Nixon quoteI want to hear the voice of the great silent majority.

    - Richard Nixon

  • A self-annihilating sentence slash one-liner.My only reason for mentioning it is that it is irrelevant.

  • What to do if it involves me.If it involves me, I want nothing to do with it.

  • Why would Cupid be chosen to represent Valentines Day?I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day... when I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a medieval weapon.

  • stampsI wonder if the queen gets into bed, pulls the duvet up to her neck and says, "Look, Phillip, I'm a stamp!"

  • computer keyboardDon't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

  • What is it like living with a toddler?What's it like having a toddler?

    Imagine raising a heavily caffeinated chimpanzee who is allergic to sleep.

  • I wanted to go jogging this morning but...I wanted to go jogging this morning but Proverbs 28:1 says "the wicked run when no one is chasing them," so there goes that.

  • Turn your trip to the grocery store into a Ninja challenge.Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.

  • man laughYou can tell an Irishman is having a good time when you see him Dublin over with laughter! 

  • Irish landscapeIf you're lucky enough to be Irish... you're lucky enough!

  • mom and kids"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

  • Great dane and chihuahua"Things that upset a chihuahua may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."

    - Smiley Blanton

  • woman5I have my doubts about disbelief.

  • man4Idols depend on you; God doesn't. 

  • dog lazy"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."

    - Edward Abbey

  • bench park"Oh, the majesty of French Justice, which forbids rich and poor, alike, to sleep on park benches!"

    - Anatole France

  • mathIf I had a dollar for every time I used algebra in my adult life, I'd have 'n' dollars.

  • traffic signI look both ways before crossing a one-way street; that's how little faith I have in humanity!

  • facebook1If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of you are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.

  • man stressed1What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

  • future one-linerThe future isn't what it used to be.

  • haircutBe nice to your hairstylist because what's stopping them from plucking one of your hairs and putting it at a crime scene? Nothing.

  • man thinkingMy wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"

    I thought... "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."

  • woman6I told my parents they're famous now. I asked my dad who should play him in the movie and his answer did not disappoint: 

    "Clint Eastward."

  • lawyer99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  • moneyDespite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

  • walkie talkieWalkie-talkies neither walk nor talk; they should be called holdie-noisies.

  • man somberAnyone who goes to a psychoanalyst should have his head examined.

    - Samuel Goldwyn

  • Diarrhea one-linerLaughter is the best medicine - unless you have diarrhea.

  • dog6Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

    - Anne Tyler

  • man excitedAlways try to be modest... and be proud of it!

  • Monday one-linerMonday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

  • atomQuantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

  • people cheeringCooperation can only be reached if we work together.

  • woman old3He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.

  • silver bullets one-linerSaw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning - or possibly just a very hairy guy; either way, the silver bullets worked.

  • car vwHow to parallel park:

    Park somewhere else.