Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
What do they put for 'hair color' on the driver's licenses of bald men?
One-liner Advice: Every ambitious man should be modest.
My dad would swear then say, "Excuse my French!"
One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
I'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
- Mitch Hedberg
To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When I was young, if any of us kids got sick, my mother would bring out the chicken soup. Of course, that didn't' work for broken bones; for broken bones, she gave us boiled beef.
- George Burns
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
If there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance.
I want to hear the voice of the great silent majority.
- Richard Nixon
My only reason for mentioning it is that it is irrelevant.
If it involves me, I want nothing to do with it.
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day... when I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a medieval weapon.
I wonder if the queen gets into bed, pulls the duvet up to her neck and says, "Look, Phillip, I'm a stamp!"
Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.
What's it like having a toddler?
Imagine raising a heavily caffeinated chimpanzee who is allergic to sleep.
I wanted to go jogging this morning but Proverbs 28:1 says "the wicked run when no one is chasing them," so there goes that.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.
You can tell an Irishman is having a good time when you see him Dublin over with laughter!
If you're lucky enough to be Irish... you're lucky enough!
"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"
"Things that upset a chihuahua may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
- Smiley Blanton
I have my doubts about disbelief.
Idols depend on you; God doesn't.
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
- Edward Abbey
"Oh, the majesty of French Justice, which forbids rich and poor, alike, to sleep on park benches!"
- Anatole France
If I had a dollar for every time I used algebra in my adult life, I'd have 'n' dollars.
I look both ways before crossing a one-way street; that's how little faith I have in humanity!
If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of you are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
The future isn't what it used to be.
Be nice to your hairstylist because what's stopping them from plucking one of your hairs and putting it at a crime scene? Nothing.
My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"
I thought... "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."
I told my parents they're famous now. I asked my dad who should play him in the movie and his answer did not disappoint:
"I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club."
What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap 8 people at a time.
If you have to tell me what the rules are, at least use proper grammar....Thems the rules.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon: I’ll let you know...
Here, let me show you how to micromanage.
Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does: that's why I think of jogging everyday.
The five-second rule for food dropped on the ground doesn't work if you have a two-second dog.
If owls are so smart, how come they don't say, "Whom"?
"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver."
Auto-correct has become my worst enema.
If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.
At the store today, when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me" apparently she was referring to my credit card!
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