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One-liners

  • batmanLook Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.

  • bald2What do they put for 'hair color'  on the driver's licenses of bald men?

  • man thinkingOne-liner Advice: Every ambitious man should be modest.

  • man afraidMy dad would swear then say, "Excuse my French!" 

    One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.

  • Spontaneous one-linerPlan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

  • Treachery one-linerAs far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.

  • Free advice one-linerFree advice is worth what you paid for it.

  • Following my DreamsI'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • IQ Test One-linerTo kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

  • George Burn's one-liner about soupWhen I was young, if any of us kids got sick, my mother would bring out the chicken soup. Of course, that didn't' work for broken bones; for broken bones, she gave us boiled beef.

    - George Burns

  • manTo succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

  • funny one-linerIf there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance.

  • A Nixon quoteI want to hear the voice of the great silent majority.

    - Richard Nixon

  • A self-annihilating sentence slash one-liner.My only reason for mentioning it is that it is irrelevant.

  • What to do if it involves me.If it involves me, I want nothing to do with it.

  • Why would Cupid be chosen to represent Valentines Day?I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day... when I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a medieval weapon.

  • stampsI wonder if the queen gets into bed, pulls the duvet up to her neck and says, "Look, Phillip, I'm a stamp!"

  • computer keyboardDon't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

  • What is it like living with a toddler?What's it like having a toddler?

    Imagine raising a heavily caffeinated chimpanzee who is allergic to sleep.

  • I wanted to go jogging this morning but...I wanted to go jogging this morning but Proverbs 28:1 says "the wicked run when no one is chasing them," so there goes that.

  • Turn your trip to the grocery store into a Ninja challenge.Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.

  • man laughYou can tell an Irishman is having a good time when you see him Dublin over with laughter! 

  • Irish landscapeIf you're lucky enough to be Irish... you're lucky enough!

  • mom and kids"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

  • Great dane and chihuahua"Things that upset a chihuahua may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."

    - Smiley Blanton

  • woman5I have my doubts about disbelief.

  • man4Idols depend on you; God doesn't. 

  • dog lazy"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."

    - Edward Abbey

  • bench park"Oh, the majesty of French Justice, which forbids rich and poor, alike, to sleep on park benches!"

    - Anatole France

  • mathIf I had a dollar for every time I used algebra in my adult life, I'd have 'n' dollars.

  • traffic signI look both ways before crossing a one-way street; that's how little faith I have in humanity!

  • facebook1If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of you are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.

  • man stressed1What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

  • future one-linerThe future isn't what it used to be.

  • haircutBe nice to your hairstylist because what's stopping them from plucking one of your hairs and putting it at a crime scene? Nothing.

  • man thinkingMy wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"

    I thought... "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."

  • woman6I told my parents they're famous now. I asked my dad who should play him in the movie and his answer did not disappoint: 

    "Clint Eastward."

  • sad person"I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club."

  • question markWhat do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?

  • octopus pictureSometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap 8 people at a time.

  • teacherIf you have to tell me what the rules are, at least use proper grammar....Thems the rules.

  • Chicken or Egg First?I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon: I’ll let you know...

  • micro manageHere, let me show you how to micromanage.

  • brainsYour mind needs exercise just as much as your body does: that's why I think of jogging everyday.

  • dog oliverThe five-second rule for food dropped on the ground doesn't work if you have a two-second dog.

  • owls eyesIf owls are so smart, how come they don't say, "Whom"?

  • duct tape"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver."

  • liquid paperAuto-correct has become my worst enema.

  • checkbox2If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.

  • credit cardsAt the store today, when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me" apparently she was referring to my credit card!