Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
What do they put for 'hair color' on the driver's licenses of bald men?
One-liner Advice: Every ambitious man should be modest.
My dad would swear then say, "Excuse my French!"
One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
I'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
- Mitch Hedberg
To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When I was young, if any of us kids got sick, my mother would bring out the chicken soup. Of course, that didn't' work for broken bones; for broken bones, she gave us boiled beef.
- George Burns
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
If there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance.
I want to hear the voice of the great silent majority.
- Richard Nixon
My only reason for mentioning it is that it is irrelevant.
If it involves me, I want nothing to do with it.
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day... when I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a medieval weapon.
I wonder if the queen gets into bed, pulls the duvet up to her neck and says, "Look, Phillip, I'm a stamp!"
Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.
What's it like having a toddler?
Imagine raising a heavily caffeinated chimpanzee who is allergic to sleep.
I wanted to go jogging this morning but Proverbs 28:1 says "the wicked run when no one is chasing them," so there goes that.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.
You can tell an Irishman is having a good time when you see him Dublin over with laughter!
If you're lucky enough to be Irish... you're lucky enough!
"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"
"Things that upset a chihuahua may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
- Smiley Blanton
I have my doubts about disbelief.
Idols depend on you; God doesn't.
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
- Edward Abbey
"Oh, the majesty of French Justice, which forbids rich and poor, alike, to sleep on park benches!"
- Anatole France
If I had a dollar for every time I used algebra in my adult life, I'd have 'n' dollars.
I look both ways before crossing a one-way street; that's how little faith I have in humanity!
If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of you are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
The future isn't what it used to be.
Be nice to your hairstylist because what's stopping them from plucking one of your hairs and putting it at a crime scene? Nothing.
My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"
I thought... "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."
I told my parents they're famous now. I asked my dad who should play him in the movie and his answer did not disappoint:
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Walkie-talkies neither walk nor talk; they should be called holdie-noisies.
Anyone who goes to a psychoanalyst should have his head examined.
- Samuel Goldwyn
Laughter is the best medicine - unless you have diarrhea.
Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler
Always try to be modest... and be proud of it!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.
Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning - or possibly just a very hairy guy; either way, the silver bullets worked.
How to parallel park:
Park somewhere else.
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