• Spontaneous one-linerPlan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

  • Treachery one-linerAs far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.

  • Free advice one-linerFree advice is worth what you paid for it.

  • Following my DreamsI'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • IQ Test One-linerTo kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

  • George Burn's one-liner about soupWhen I was young, if any of us kids got sick, my mother would bring out the chicken soup. Of course, that didn't' work for broken bones; for broken bones, she gave us boiled beef.

    - George Burns

  • manTo succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

  • funny one-linerIf there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance.

  • A Nixon quoteI want to hear the voice of the great silent majority.

    - Richard Nixon

  • A self-annihilating sentence slash one-liner.My only reason for mentioning it is that it is irrelevant.

  • What to do if it involves me.If it involves me, I want nothing to do with it.

  • Why would Cupid be chosen to represent Valentines Day?I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day... when I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a medieval weapon.

  • stampsI wonder if the queen gets into bed, pulls the duvet up to her neck and says, "Look, Phillip, I'm a stamp!"

  • computer keyboardDon't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

  • What is it like living with a toddler?What's it like having a toddler?

    Imagine raising a heavily caffeinated chimpanzee who is allergic to sleep.

  • I wanted to go jogging this morning but...I wanted to go jogging this morning but Proverbs 28:1 says "the wicked run when no one is chasing them," so there goes that.

  • Turn your trip to the grocery store into a Ninja challenge.Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.

  • man laughYou can tell an Irishman is having a good time when you see him Dublin over with laughter! 

  • Irish landscapeIf you're lucky enough to be Irish... you're lucky enough!

  • mom and kids"Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"

  • sad person"I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club."

  • question markWhat do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?

  • octopus pictureSometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap 8 people at a time.

  • batmanLook Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.

  • teacherIf you have to tell me what the rules are, at least use proper grammar....Thems the rules.

  • Chicken or Egg First?I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon: I’ll let you know...

  • micro manageHere, let me show you how to micromanage.

  • brainsYour mind needs exercise just as much as your body does: that's why I think of jogging everyday.

  • dog oliverThe five-second rule for food dropped on the ground doesn't work if you have a two-second dog.

  • owls eyesIf owls are so smart, how come they don't say, "Whom"?

  • duct tape"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver."

  • liquid paperAuto-correct has become my worst enema.

  • checkbox2If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.

  • credit cardsAt the store today, when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me" apparently she was referring to my credit card!

  • walletI wish my wallet came with free refills.

  • weight scale 2I'm allergic to food – I break out in fat.

  • ceiling fanIf ceiling fans could hold your weight, you'd never be bored again.

  • weight scaleThe only way I'm going to drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.

  • coffee cupA yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.

  • cupcakes copyOnce you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy; You’re welcome.

  • bed copy"If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side."
    – Stuart Turner

  • ninja starWhen you interview for a position as a ninja, don't show up: you'll be a shoe-in for the job.

  • bedEarly mornings are great for spending time with the family: then they spoil it by waking up.

  • cloudsI wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, "Hey, that one looks like an idiot!"

  • chickens"If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die?"
    - Chickens

  • uspennyIn the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?

  • rootsI sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree and they sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

  • sign wrong wayIf I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions."

  • truck 2The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

  • moon

    When the moon hits your eye,

    like a big pizza pie...

    that's a lawsuit.