"I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club."
What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap 8 people at a time.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
If you have to tell me what the rules are, at least use proper grammar....Thems the rules.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon: I’ll let you know...
Here, let me show you how to micromanage.
Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does: that's why I think of jogging everyday.
The five-second rule for food dropped on the ground doesn't work if you have a two-second dog.
If owls are so smart, how come they don't say, "Whom"?
"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver."
Auto-correct has become my worst enema.
If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.
At the store today, when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me" apparently she was referring to my credit card!
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
I'm allergic to food – I break out in fat.
If ceiling fans could hold your weight, you'd never be bored again.
The only way I'm going to drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.
A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.
Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy; You’re welcome.
"If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side." – Stuart Turner
When you interview for a position as a ninja, don't show up: you'll be a shoe-in for the job.
Early mornings are great for spending time with the family: then they spoil it by waking up.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, "Hey, that one looks like an idiot!"
"If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die?"- Chickens
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?
I sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree and they sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions."
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
When the moon hits your eye,
like a big pizza pie...
that's a lawsuit.
Just once it'd be nice to hear the word "sir," without it immediately being followed by,"you're making a scene."
So apparently the security guard at Safeway didn't believe that life gave me that lemon.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his head.
I misplaced my thesaurus and feel terrible; just terrible, really terrible.
My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.
So I just read Starbucks is planning on selling beer and wine; apparently it's getting difficult to sell sober people a $10 cup of coffee.
I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, will, read, this, like William, Shatner.
Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.
I was in a bathroom and I saw a sign that said employees must wash hands, but after I waited for what must've been 10 minutes no one came to wash my hands so I did it myself.
I'm called the master of suspense because
"Please pray for my wife; she married an idiot."
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday and I'll tell you what . . . never again!
Piety: you had me at pie.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I really wish the dollar store would start selling gas.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
I personally stay away from health foods. At my age, I need all the preservatives I can get.
- George Burns
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
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