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One Liners

  • Oneliner #0953

    sad person"I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club."

  • Oneliner #0954

    question markWhat do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?

  • Oneliner #0955

    octopus pictureSometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap 8 people at a time.

  • Oneliner #0956

    batmanLook Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.

  • Oneliner #0957

    teacherIf you have to tell me what the rules are, at least use proper grammar....Thems the rules.

  • Oneliner #0958

    Chicken or Egg First?I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon: I’ll let you know...

  • Oneliner #0960

    micro manageHere, let me show you how to micromanage.

  • Oneliner #0961

    brainsYour mind needs exercise just as much as your body does: that's why I think of jogging everyday.

  • Oneliner #0962

    dog oliverThe five-second rule for food dropped on the ground doesn't work if you have a two-second dog.

  • Oneliner #0964

    owls eyesIf owls are so smart, how come they don't say, "Whom"?

  • Oneliner #0966

    duct tape"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver."

  • Oneliner #0969

    liquid paperAuto-correct has become my worst enema.

  • Oneliner #0970

    checkbox2If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.

  • Oneliner #0971

    credit cardsAt the store today, when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me" apparently she was referring to my credit card!

  • Oneliner #0972

    walletI wish my wallet came with free refills.

  • Oneliner #0973

    weight scale 2I'm allergic to food – I break out in fat.

  • Oneliner #0974

    ceiling fanIf ceiling fans could hold your weight, you'd never be bored again.

  • Oneliner #0975

    weight scaleThe only way I'm going to drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.

  • Oneliner #0976

    coffee cupA yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.

  • Oneliner #0977

    cupcakes copyOnce you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy; You’re welcome.

  • Oneliner #0978

    bed copy"If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side."
    – Stuart Turner

  • Oneliner #0979

    ninja starWhen you interview for a position as a ninja, don't show up: you'll be a shoe-in for the job.

  • Oneliner #0980

    bedEarly mornings are great for spending time with the family: then they spoil it by waking up.

  • Oneliner #0981

    cloudsI wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, "Hey, that one looks like an idiot!"

  • Oneliner #0982

    chickens"If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die?"
    - Chickens

  • Oneliner #0983

    uspennyIn the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?

  • Oneliner #0984

    rootsI sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree and they sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

  • Oneliner #0985

    sign wrong wayIf I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions."

  • Oneliner #0986

    truck 2The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

  • Oneliner #0987

    moon

    When the moon hits your eye,

    like a big pizza pie...

    that's a lawsuit.

  • Oneliner #0988

    sun guy Just once it'd be nice to hear the word "sir," without it immediately being followed by,"you're making a scene."

  • Oneliner #0989

    lemonSo apparently the security guard at Safeway didn't believe that life gave me that lemon.

  • Oneliner #0991

    onion

    My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his head.

     

  • Oneliner #0993

    thesaurusI misplaced my thesaurus and feel terrible; just terrible, really terrible.

  • Oneliner #0994

    billMy favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.

  • Oneliner #0995

    coffee cupSo I just read Starbucks is planning on selling beer and wine; apparently it's getting difficult to sell sober people a $10 cup of coffee.

  • Oneliner #0996

    star trek enterpriseI, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, will, read, this, like William, Shatner.

  • Oneliner #0997

    parentingSaying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

  • Oneliner #0998

    wash handsI was in a bathroom and I saw a sign that said employees must wash hands, but after I waited for what must've been 10 minutes no one came to wash my hands so I did it myself.

  • Oneliner #0999

    suspenseI'm called the master of suspense because

  • Oneliner #1000

    idiot"Please pray for my wife; she married an idiot."

    @unappreciatedpastor

  • Oneliner #1001

    thinkingDon't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

  • Oneliner #1003

    fireworksI've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday and I'll tell you what . . . never again!

  • Oneliner #1004

    monkPiety: you had me at pie.

  • Oneliner #1005

    yogaI remember when yoga was called Twister.

  • Oneliner #1006

    awkward silenceThe next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

  • Oneliner #1007

    gasoline fillupI really wish the dollar store would start selling gas.

  • Oneliner #1008

    goldfishI once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.

  • Oneliner #1011

    food cholesteralI personally stay away from health foods. At my age, I need all the preservatives I can get.

    - George Burns

  • Oneliner #1014

    castWhenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."