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One-liners

  • rings weddingLove may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

  • child2Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

  • bread slicedWhat WAS the best thing 'before' sliced bread?

  • parking lotI feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

  • calendarGonna stop making arbitrary deadlines: starting today.

  • shopping cartsShopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

  • itch squirrelThe severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

  • dog7A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • cemetaryThe man who created auto-correct has died;

    may he restaurant in peace.

  • weight scaleMy goal was to lose 10 pounds this year: only 15 to go!

  • burns and bennyHappiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; depends on how much happiness you can handle.

    -George Burns

  • personRegarding "Eternal Truths:"

    No matter where you go, there you are.

  • man2Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

    Show me an honest man and I'll show you a man who tells the truth.

  • snow sceneRegarding "Eternal Truths:"

    No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them.

  • abstractRegarding "Descriptions:"

    Words are incapable of describing what I am about to tell you.

  • mathRegarding "Descriptions:"

    This fact is clear to those who know it.

  • snow sceneRegarding "Eternal Truths:"

    No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them.

  • christmas drumMary glared at me

    Pa rumpa pum pum,

    Me and my drum.

  • cat restingThey should make an alarm clock that sounds like a cat getting ready to vomit; NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster!

  • electrical cordDon't wear headphones while vacuuming; I've just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn't plugged in.

  • arthur c clarkeLast year I joined a support group for antisocial people; we haven't met yet.

  • spaghettiI am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!

  • man large2I don't run, and if you ever see me running, you should run too because something is probably chasing me.

  • vacuumDeep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

  • keys and remoteThe only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!

  • fridge emptyThey say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry; it's been several days now... what should I do?

  • man grumpyI just wish pictures and mirrors could agree on what I actually look like.

  • scalesEleanor Roosevelt once said, "Do one thing every day that scares you;" and that's why I weigh myself in the mornings.

  • cat fishbowlCat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

  • prisonerOften when one door closes and another door opens... you're in prison.

  • personA conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

  • man restingI used to just crastinate, but I got so good, I went pro!

  • A oneliner about being ugly and girls.If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, eventually they would find me attractive.

  • old ladies on swingSometimes my age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

  • car w driver2The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car: "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you!"

  • pencilsI wonder how long it will take this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him?

  • office womanI'm as good at making similes as someone who is really good at making similes.

  • burns and benny"I'm an expert on Chinese food; when I eat it I only use one chopstick."

    - George Burns

  • dog4"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

    - Sue Murphy

  • cat fishbowl"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

    - Robert A. Heinlein

  • face stressed2The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

  • woman winkOne Liner Advice: It's a great activity for someone who doesn't have to do it.

  • glow wormI wish I were a glow worm,
    a glow worm's never glum;
    'cause how can you be grumpy
    when the sun shines out your bum?!

  • Firemen will knock on doors to save people.I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"... stupid firemen.

  • man sadSadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

  • A one liner about exercising and treadmillsSaw some goober at the gym put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

  • A one-liner about long words.Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

  • Greek mythology one linerMy poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

  • A funny one linerWhen everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  • Psychic One LinerWhy do psychics have to ask you for your name?