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One-liners

  • castWhenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."

  • coffee cupI wish some of my co-workers weren't allowed in the break room... because that's who I usually need a break from.

  • fog hornIf a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?

  • cigar man"I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to, I might fall down."

    - George Burns

  • face funnyOkay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

  • couple3My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things; but I laugh more.

  • phone number buttonsIf you answer the phone and say, "Hello, you're on the air" most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

  • binocularsI think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer; I saw it through my binoculars last night.

  • hand writeI'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

  • sunset and canoeTomorrow, which isn't even here yet, will never be the day after tomorrow again.

  • clouds2I just got lost in thought; it was unfamiliar territory.

  • teapotDo Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

  • burns and allenGeorge Burns has some of the best one-liners!

    George: Gracie, did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby?

    Gracie: Oh no! We couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it herself.

  • book mysteryI hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

  • dog sleeping"In dog years, I'm dead." - Unknown

  • person shrugWhy do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"?

  • mother and daughterThe best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.  

  • man stressedExperience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  • bread butterThe hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.

  • rings weddingLove may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

  • child2Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

  • bread slicedWhat WAS the best thing 'before' sliced bread?

  • parking lotI feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

  • calendarGonna stop making arbitrary deadlines: starting today.

  • shopping cartsShopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

  • itch squirrelThe severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

  • dog7A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • cemetaryThe man who created auto-correct has died;

    may he restaurant in peace.

  • weight scaleMy goal was to lose 10 pounds this year: only 15 to go!

  • burns and bennyHappiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; depends on how much happiness you can handle.

    -George Burns

  • personRegarding "Eternal Truths:"

    No matter where you go, there you are.

  • man2Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

    Show me an honest man and I'll show you a man who tells the truth.

  • snow sceneRegarding "Eternal Truths:"

    No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them.

  • abstractRegarding "Descriptions:"

    Words are incapable of describing what I am about to tell you.

  • mathRegarding "Descriptions:"

    This fact is clear to those who know it.

  • snow sceneRegarding "Eternal Truths:"

    No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them.

  • christmas drumMary glared at me

    Pa rumpa pum pum,

    Me and my drum.

  • cat restingThey should make an alarm clock that sounds like a cat getting ready to vomit; NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster!

  • electrical cordDon't wear headphones while vacuuming; I've just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn't plugged in.

  • arthur c clarkeLast year I joined a support group for antisocial people; we haven't met yet.

  • spaghettiI am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!

  • man large2I don't run, and if you ever see me running, you should run too because something is probably chasing me.

  • vacuumDeep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

  • keys and remoteThe only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!

  • fridge emptyThey say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry; it's been several days now... what should I do?

  • man grumpyI just wish pictures and mirrors could agree on what I actually look like.

  • scalesEleanor Roosevelt once said, "Do one thing every day that scares you;" and that's why I weigh myself in the mornings.

  • cat fishbowlCat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

  • prisonerOften when one door closes and another door opens... you're in prison.

  • personA conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.