Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
I wish some of my co-workers weren't allowed in the break room... because that's who I usually need a break from.
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?
"I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to, I might fall down."
- George Burns
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things; but I laugh more.
If you answer the phone and say, "Hello, you're on the air" most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer; I saw it through my binoculars last night.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Tomorrow, which isn't even here yet, will never be the day after tomorrow again.
I just got lost in thought; it was unfamiliar territory.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
George Burns has some of the best one-liners!
George: Gracie, did the nurse ever happen to drop you on your head when you were a baby?
Gracie: Oh no! We couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it herself.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
"In dog years, I'm dead." - Unknown
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"?
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
What WAS the best thing 'before' sliced bread?
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Gonna stop making arbitrary deadlines: starting today.
Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The man who created auto-correct has died;
may he restaurant in peace.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year: only 15 to go!
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Regarding "Eternal Truths:"
No matter where you go, there you are.
Show me an honest man and I'll show you a man who tells the truth.
No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them.
Words are incapable of describing what I am about to tell you.
This fact is clear to those who know it.
Mary glared at me
Pa rumpa pum pum,
Me and my drum.
They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a cat getting ready to vomit; NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster!
Don't wear headphones while vacuuming; I've just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn't plugged in.
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people; we haven't met yet.
I am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!
I don't run, and if you ever see me running, you should run too because something is probably chasing me.
Deep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!
They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry; it's been several days now... what should I do?
I just wish pictures and mirrors could agree on what I actually look like.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Do one thing every day that scares you;" and that's why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Often when one door closes and another door opens... you're in prison.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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