Pearly Gates Jokes

  • A joke about an old man and church attendance.A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Pastor asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

    The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Pastor," he whispered.

    "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

  • A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.

    He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God.

    Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.  I'll give you 15 minutes!"

    The lecture room fell silent.  You could have heard a pin fall.  Ten minutes went by.  Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God.  I'm still waiting."

    His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform.

    The professor was out cold!  At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.  The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent.  The class fell silent...waiting.

    Eventually, the professor came to, shaken.  He looked at the young Marine in the front row.  When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you?  Why did you do that?"

    "God was busy.  He sent me."
  • A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

    The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF!  She had the tickets in her hand.

    Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

    The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
  • A picture of newspapers being recycled Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

    Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.

    Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

    Texas executes last remaining citizen.

    Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

    Baby conceived naturally.  Scientists stumped.

    Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

    Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands in Los Angeles.

    Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

    Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

    New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered by January 1, 2031.

    Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.

    Average worker's Social Security (FICA) contribution hits $12,000 per week.  Protests planned.

    Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway, decline to $12,000 per.

    E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5 per word.  Please remit.

  • On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

    "It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.

    The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:

  • A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself; lets her."

    A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.

    A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"

    A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

  • castleOnce upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year.

    However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

    One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling."

    But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to five).

  • Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. 

    We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee. 

    By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.  It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.  It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. 

    This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

    Happy Holidays!

  • wedding handsYoung Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

    Dad: That happens in every country, son.

  • roulette tableA lady was having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas and she was down to her last $50.

    Exasperated, she exclaimed, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

    A man standing next to her suggested, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" and walked away.

  • As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

  • mallAn Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

    The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

  • After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

    One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."
  • A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

    To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

    He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.  "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man.

    "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

    The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

    "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

    "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
  • On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

    "It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.

    The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:



  • Dear PearlyGates Subscribers,

    Well, imagine my surprise at the end of the day, just when I went to send out another day’s posts, that I had a bunch of e-mails concerned about a word in one of my mailings.  My first thought? – “Man, what did I miss this time?”  So to varying degrees and to different kinds of people I offer the following (in the pseudo-comedic form of Craig Kilborn's “To Blank With Love”:

    To all of you who will read this and worry that I am discouraged:
    Thank you and God bless you.  I am fine and after close to 6 years of running my lists, the other two or three times I missed something in a joke I sent out and got feedback from have thickened my skin a bit so I really am ok.

    To all of you who e-mailed and said that you thought I must have missed that word because I am so good as sending out only clean stuff:
    Thank you for the benefit of the doubt.  It is always refreshing to receive the concerned comments from those who are truly concerned about me.  That just adds a special part to this Internet hobby of mine. We all make mistakes and your gracious acceptance of mine is very much appreciated.

    To those of you who e-mailed to express concern and dismay that I would think that the word “piss” is an acceptable word for a clean joke list:
    I think the word “piss” is pretty much used only as a vulgar word in our society and in all truth I didn’t even notice it in the joke.  Maybe I sneezed just before I read it, or perhaps I was tired, but it slipped by me.  Now, maybe you have only been on my joke list for one or two days.  Perhaps not.  But since I am human and likely to make another mistake someday, please try to react a bit differently so that the paragraph above this one applies to you next time it happens.

    To a certain unnamed Baptist Church who wrote, “I thought you were a pastor.  This joke is not something a pastor should be passing along to a lot of people.  The language is terrible.  Think before you send out another one like this!”:
    “I thought you were a pastor?” – Come on, who are you kidding?  If that is all it takes to make you doubt someone is a pastor then you must have an incredible turnover in your pastoral staff.  Of the few complaints I do get from people, the ones that I find the saddest and most maddening are the ones that manipulatively call my qualifications as a pastor into question.  In this case you’ve even done it over a word that appears twice in the King James Version.  Shame on me and Isaiah and whoever it was that wrote 2 Kings.

    To the fellow who said he’d unsubscribe if one more vulgar word showed up:
    A second chance only?  Wow, baseball gives three strikes and that’s not even a Christian organization.  If I remember correctly, 70 times 7 is a good round figure for planning to leave.  And the good thing about this occurrence is that you don’t even have to bother forgiving me for this time because I didn’t even do it on purpose.

    To the fellow who ended his mail to me with “I won't even show this one to my wife.  How many people have you offended this morning?  If your mission is to be the salt of the Earth, then today you failed. Please, please be careful!!  With all of the junk email we get these days (many of them very explicit), I thought it was safe to open something from Pastor Tim, now I'm not so sure.”
    First of all, I don’t know which time zone you are in so I can’t really say how many I have offended the morning this went out.  If you are on an island in the Eastern Pacific I think the number of people offended in the morning would be quite low because it would mostly be afternoon in North America where the vast majority of the people on my lists are subscribed.  In fact, if you live just West of the International Dateline (which by the way is not an 800 number), it is possible that I barely offended anyone “this morning” as most of the people in your time zone would have gotten my mail a day before I sent it out.  Now, if you live in New York, then I offended a lot of people “this morning.”  Of course, for the people I offended in New York, that was just a good warm up for them before being really offended on the subway system.  The same might hold true for Los Angeles, but the weather there is always so nice it takes a lot more for them to really get offended by stuff.  Ok, I’m over analyzing your rebuke – which itself, in fact, was a little bit excessive too.  A mistake is not a mission failed – relax a little bit.  I am careful – 3 or 4 missed words out of more than 3000 posts is a pretty good percentage.  I wish I had scored that high in any of my courses in Bible College!  I still think my posts are safe to open – unless of course you are operating heavy machinery.  And as for not telling that joke “even” to your wife, on one hand, you probably shouldn’t tell her any jokes that aren’t fit to tell anyone else, but on the other hand if you guys are like my wife and I, I’m glad that you can enjoy the humor of an edgy joke from time to time.  In fact, yesterday I told my wife the joke about the two guys that go into . . . . . ah, never mind.

    To the person who said they did not regard that as clean humor and asked to be unsubscribed:
    Please don’t just read the dirty words in the e-mails I send out.  There are also words like, “To manage your subscription(s) visit http://www.cybersaltlists.org” and “To unsubscribe please click here.”

    Ok, I think that about covers all I wanted to cover.  I’ve got to go now because I’ve got to fix a mistake I sent out on the CleanLaugh list.  It seems that I accidentally only sent the first half of a joke.  I know how it happened though.  It’s a result of a heart problem – mine is still beating (fortunately!).  When it stops, I plan on making way fewer mistakes, Lol.

    - Pastor Tim

  • There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before.  "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

    "What did she say?" asked the friend.

    The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

  • watch faceSt. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.

    "No, it's all right. It won't be long" and he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on. 

    St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again. 

    The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"

  • computer helpThe Toughest Decision


    For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps even a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But naturally you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.


  • On the Upper West Side lived a man who was a very militant atheist but he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its Christian roots, it was a great school.  After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what Trinity means?  It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."

    The father can barely control his rage.  He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it.  There is only one God and we don't believe in Him!"

  • The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.
    When she returned, she found the children in perfect order.  Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

    She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before.  This is wonderful.  But, please tell me, what came over all of you?  Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

    Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

  • The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

  • golfA chap who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.

    After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information.

    The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

    "Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles?"

  • Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week.

    "What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically.  "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

    Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck. I swam across the river--see, my suit's still damp--ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

    "You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss.

    "But that's what happened!  Why don't you believe me?"

    "Simple, no woman can EVER got ready in ten minutes!"

  • London - Panic gripped the streets of London this morning when patches of sky took on an unusual blue color and a ball of fire appeared above the city.

    The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the capital, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motorists
    were able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", he said,"but it never lasts."

    There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath."

  • hot air balloonA man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are at 38.6927569 degrees Latitude, and -121.26618200000001 longitude".

    "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

    "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost and you are of no help to me."

    The man below says, "You must be a manager."

    "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

  • A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

    As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

    During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant.  The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

    With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

  • dogA strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a pet shop to look for a Baptist dog.

    They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"

    Surprised, the pet shop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes...  yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description."

  • A deputy police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance.

    The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds.  What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."

    Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."

    The giant nodded.

    "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are.  But all I've got is a set of handcuffs.  Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

    "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

    "Are you sure?" the deputy asked.

    The fellow tried again.  "Nope," he replied.  "I can't do it."

    "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

  • There were two old guys, Abe and Ken, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Ken and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

    Ken thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."

    They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Ken is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Ken... Ken...."

    Ken responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

    "Yes it is Ken," whispers the spirit of Abe.

    Ken, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

    "Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

    "Gimme the good news first," says Ken.

    Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

    Ken says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

    Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
  • bearOnce this atheist decided to take a walk in the mountains to admire all the accidents of nature. The mighty eagle soaring across the sky, the quickly moving mountain stream, the wind blowing through the tree tops. When all of a sudden he heard a noise in the brush behind him. Turning his head to look he saw a huge grizzly bear rushing at him.

    So he took off !! Running, running, trying to get away. He looks back again, the bear is almost on him! He trys to run faster! He trips, falls, rolls over just as the bear rushes up to him. The bear rears up on his hind legs and raises one huge paw to rip the guys head off when the man yells out, "My God, help me!"

  • picture of a bearA priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop".  One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard.  A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a seven-day experiment.  They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

    It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience. 

  • Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.

    Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know  where to start."

    Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.  You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

    Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread.  I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."  For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

    Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

    Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

    Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone.  Why would you listen to a complete stranger?  I mean, how on earth could he know where we're going?

    Because I'm a man, whatever you get your mother for Mother's Day is okay;  I don't need to see it.  And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

    Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

    Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.  I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair of shoes is fine.  With the belt or without it---looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go now?

    This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

  • A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

    "Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

    The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

    The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

  • Today on the way to work, I thought I saw a headline that read "Beer Recall." It actually read "Beef Recall."

    The story explained the discovery of mad cow disease in the United States.  Mad cow disease is a condition that causes wasting away of the brain, leading to dementia, loss of coordination, and death.

    Now, will somebody please explain to me why they're not recalling beer?
  • beethoven bustWhen Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.  A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.  Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.  The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

    Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

  • A soldier, a marine, and an airman got into a fight about which service is best.  The fight was so heated, that they killed each other.  Soon, they found themselves in Heaven.

    They see St.  Peter walk by and ask, "Which Branch of Service is the best?" St.  Peter replied, "I can't answer that.
    But, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him." Some time later, the three see St.  Peter again and ask him if he was able to find the answer.

    Suddenly, a dove landed on St.  Peter's shoulder.  The dove was carrying a note in its beak.  St.  Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows:

    "Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are Honorable and Noble." Each one of you has served your country well.  Be proud of that."

    (signed) GOD, USN (Ret.)

  • Old man Fielding, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates.  St.  Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode.  Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.

    Fielding, much taken aback, began, "Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others have fine mansions?"

    "Well, sir," replied St.  Peter, "we did the best we could with the money you sent us."

  • A very small, mousy man was hired as a bartender in the Old West.  The saloon owner advised him, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for your life."

    The bartender worked for six months with no problems.  Then one day a cowboy rushed in shouting, "Big John's a-comin'!" In his hurry to get out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor.  Before the bartender could recover, in came a giant of a man with a black, bushy beard.  He rode in through the swinging doors on the back of a buffalo, using a rattlesnake for a whip.  The man tore the doors off of their hinges, knocked over tables, and slung the rattlesnake into the corner. 

    "Gimme a drink," he yelled as he split the bar in half with a pound of his massive fist.  The bartender nervously pushed a bottle toward the man.  He bit off the top of the glass bottle with his teeth, chugged the contents in one gulp and turned to leave.  Realizing that the man wasn't hurting anyone, the bartender asked if he'd like another drink.

    "Ain't got no time," the man roared.  "Big John's a comin' to town."

  • Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.

    Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."

    She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"
  • couple on dateAfter being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. He was relieved when his cell phone rang.

    After answering, acting shocked and then hanging up the call, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim look and said, "I have bad news. My my house is on fire."

    "Wonderful!" his date said. "If yours hadn't burned, mine would have had to."

  • cow3A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game".  They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

    "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

  • record playerHey Baby Boomers! Some of our old favorites have been re-released. The following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies."

    Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

    Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

    The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

    Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

    Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

    The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

  • An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida.  At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous border guard, on his first day at work.  He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions.

    The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.

    Officer: "Where are you going?"

    Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."

    Wife: "What did he say?  What did he say?"

    Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."

    Officer: "How long will you be gone?"

    Husband: "About one month."

    Wife: "What did he say?  What did he say?"

    Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."

    Officer: "Where are you from?"

    Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."

    Officer: "Toronto, huh.  I was there once.  Nice city.

    Had the worst date experience in my life."

    Wife: "What did he say?  What did he say?"

    Husband: "He says he knows you!"
  • Not the tank mentioned in this military jokeAdmiral McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrived at the military camp and was greeted by Marshall. They both walked around the place, and McKenzie asked, "So how are your men?"

    "Very well trained."

    "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained they're the bravest men all over the country."

    "Well, my men are very brave, too."

    "I'd like to see that."

    So Marshall called private Cooper and said, "Private Cooper!  I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

    "Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!"

    As private Cooper ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said, "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

  • sign low bridge aheadA truck driver was driving along on the freeway when a sign came up that read "low bridge ahead."

    Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.  Cars are backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car comes up.  The officer gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

    The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

  • lawnmowerWhen the power mower broke and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the 'message' never sank in. Finally, I thought of a clever way to make my point.

    When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again.

    He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the drive-way." 

    The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before all the casts come off.

  • Picture of San FranciscoA tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

    He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

    "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.

    The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

    As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

    He began to trot toward the bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

    Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it, and were all drowned.

    The man walked back to the curio shop.

    "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?"

    "No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician?"

  • Memo From Santa

    I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Alabama, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.  Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.  As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

    However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.  His side of the family is from the South Pole.  He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

    Differences such as:

    1.  There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.  He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

    2.  Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.  And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe.  He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

    3.  Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer.  I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

    4.  You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives.  Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott, and Petty."

    5.  "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

    6.  As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

    7.  The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on
    34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.  Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
    featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

    And Finally,
    8.  Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt.  If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

    Sincerely Yours,

    S.  Claus

  • convertibleI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. 

    She was stark naked! 

    As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat,

    "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"