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Pet Jokes

  • 10 Common Canine Complaints

    dog21. Building mounted fire hose connections are no substitute for a real hydrant.

    2. "Why can't I just make an appointment with the groomer to get my nails done? I can do without the shampoo, blow-dry and stupid pink bows."

    3. Nintendo is not easily paw operated.

    4. There are no real career opportunities for a dog who has been fixed.

    5. Silk plants may look real but when chewed cause extreme flatulence.

    6. "If Barbie wasn't meant as a chew toy, why do little girls set up her Dream House within easy reach?"

    7. No breakfast in bed.

    8. Really cool sneaker companies don't make doggie booties.

    9. "Snausages" is not in the dictionary.

    10. The average refrigerator door seam is too narrow to be easily opened by a snout.

  • A Dog's Diary

    dog35:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber, and the impact indicated the paper was much heavier than normal, I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: he didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.

    7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them limb from limb if they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

  • Cat Commandments

    • cat lying downThou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
    • Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
    • Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
    • Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.
    • Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
    • Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
  • Centipede Snack

    centipedeA guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

    After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have a meal.

  • Dog Tricks

    dog lazy*Mind Games You Can Play with Your Humans*

    1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

    2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

  • How Much Are Your Dogs

    If you are not sure what a Goober is, there is a picture of one here.

    dog2It seems this Goober was wanting a dog for a pet, so he went to the local pet store to buy one.

    He asked the clerk "how much are your dogs?"

    She replied, "They are $10.00 apiece."

    The goober replied, "How much for a whole one?!"

  • IAMS Hotline

    The IAMS Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team's favorite calls.

    phone helpMy cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many calories are in a mouse?
    - cat owner, Omak, WA

    I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?
    - cat owner, Colorado Springs, CO

  • New Beginnings

    dog5My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, very expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

    The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter.

    "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

    He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

  • Politically Correct Cat Terms

    cat lying downPolitically correct terms for cat owners:

    - My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug re-decorator.

    - My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

    - My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

    - My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

    - My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

  • Puppy Mark

    puppiesAn effusive client brought a litter of puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.

    As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

    After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."

  • You Are A Bad Cook If…

    chef badYou can find "You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...part 1" here.

    - The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire

    - You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

    - Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.

  • You Know You Are a Bad Cook When…

    chef bad- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

    - You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

    - Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

    - Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

    - When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.