Time One-liners

  • One-liner #1256

    Following my DreamsI'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • Oneliner #1054

    bread slicedWhat WAS the best thing 'before' sliced bread?

  • Oneliner #1055

    vending machinesChange is inevitable except from vending machines.

  • Oneliner #1056

    parking lotI feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

  • Oneliner #1059

    cheeseThe early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • Oneliner #1060

    motorcycleI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

  • Oneliner #1063

    calendarGonna stop making arbitrary deadlines: starting today.

  • Oneliner #1081

    nightA day without sunshine is like, night.

  • Oneliner #1167

    Picture of Sigmund FreudI was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.

  • Oneliner #1180

    man restingI used to just crastinate, but I got so good, I went pro!

  • Oneliner #1188

    tv oldKids today don't know how easy they have it: when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

  • Oneliner #1196

    face stressed2The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

  • Oneliner #1204

    woman shrugOne Liner Advice: Don't give up hope; there's a chance the inevitable won't happen.

  • Oneliner #1223

    man sadSadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

  • Oneliner #1229

    Tattoos versus china dinnerwareI hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren't allowed to use.

  • Oneliner #1231

    man with a head-acheThe first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest!

  • Oneliner #1248

    Advice One LinerAdvice #6

    Don't give up hope; there's a chance the inevitable won't happen.

  • Quote #1624

    quote 1624

    "I thought growing older would take longer."

    - Unknown