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Time One-liners

  • Following my DreamsI'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • future one-linerThe future isn't what it used to be.

  • woman large2Been on a diet for two weeks and all I lost is 14 days.

  • Monday one-linerMonday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

  • bread slicedWhat WAS the best thing 'before' sliced bread?

  • vending machinesChange is inevitable except from vending machines.

  • parking lotI feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

  • cheeseThe early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • motorcycleI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

  • calendarGonna stop making arbitrary deadlines: starting today.

  • nightA day without sunshine is like, night.

  • Picture of Sigmund FreudI was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.

  • man restingI used to just crastinate, but I got so good, I went pro!

  • tv oldKids today don't know how easy they have it: when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

  • face stressed2The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

  • woman shrugOne Liner Advice: Don't give up hope; there's a chance the inevitable won't happen.

  • man sadSadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

  • Tattoos versus china dinnerwareI hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren't allowed to use.

  • man with a head-acheThe first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest!

  • Advice One LinerAdvice #6

    Don't give up hope; there's a chance the inevitable won't happen.

  • man large1I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.

  • quote 1624

    "I thought growing older would take longer."

    - Unknown