I'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
- Mitch Hedberg
The future isn't what it used to be.
Been on a diet for two weeks and all I lost is 14 days.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
What WAS the best thing 'before' sliced bread?
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Gonna stop making arbitrary deadlines: starting today.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.
I used to just crastinate, but I got so good, I went pro!
Kids today don't know how easy they have it: when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
One Liner Advice: Don't give up hope; there's a chance the inevitable won't happen.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren't allowed to use.
The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest!
Don't give up hope; there's a chance the inevitable won't happen.
I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
"I thought growing older would take longer."
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