Saying One-liners

  • sky raysSo you want to be an astronaut: sorry, the sky's the limit.

  • paper penSo what if I can't spell Armiggedon? It's not the end of the world.

  • woman3* A bus station is where a bus stops.
    A train station is where a train stops.
    My desk is my work station...

    * I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

    * If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what genius came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

    * Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

    * What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    * I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

    * Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.
    I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

  • For every action one-liner.For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  • Following my DreamsI'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • bread slicedWhat WAS the best thing 'before' sliced bread?

  • cheeseThe early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • man laughHe who laughs last thinks slowest.

  • mistake phoneTwo wrongs are only the beginning.

  • dog7A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • sky diverIf at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

  • woman shrugOn one hand, I'm indecisive, but on the other, I'm not.

  • compassI am always going the extra mile: because I never stop for directions.

  • pizzaYou can't make everyone happy; you are not pizza.

  • board roomMy boss said, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have;"

    now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

  • medic alert I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately!

  • Picture of Sigmund FreudI was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.

  • keys and remoteThe only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!

  • prisonerOften when one door closes and another door opens... you're in prison.

  • man afraidSo, apparently airport security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.

  • person shrugOne Liner Advice: Survival is important, but don't stake your life on it.

  • mathIf I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my adult life, I'd have "n" dollars.

  • Firemen will knock on doors to save people.I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"... stupid firemen.

  • an atheist, a vegan and a cross fitter jokeAn atheist, a vegan, and a CrossFitter walk into a coffee shop... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.

  • A funny one linerWhen everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  • 90th day of Christmas On the 90th day of Christmas, my true love said to me: "You take Christmas too seriously."

  • doctor fileThe surgeons say they might be able to fix my mangled hands: Fingers crossed!

  • sausagesAt the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen.

    "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"

  • baseballI wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

    Then it hit me!

  • milestoneIf the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:

    * A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

    * Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

    * Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

    * Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

    * Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.06 kilometers.

    * Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

  • theatreI did a theatrical performance about puns.

    It was a play on words.