Saying One Liners

  • Discouraging Work Atmosphere

    sky raysSo you want to be an astronaut: sorry, the sky's the limit.

  • Let it Bee

    paper penSo what if I can't spell Armiggedon? It's not the end of the world.

  • Oneliner #1054

    bread slicedWhat WAS the best thing 'before' sliced bread?

  • Oneliner #1059

    cheeseThe early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • Oneliner #1062

    man laughHe who laughs last thinks slowest.

  • Oneliner #1090

    mistake phoneTwo wrongs are only the beginning.

  • Oneliner #1091

    dog7A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • Oneliner #1093

    sky diverIf at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

  • Oneliner #1118

    woman shrugOn one hand, I'm indecisive, but on the other, I'm not.

  • Oneliner #1121

    compassI am always going the extra mile: because I never stop for directions.

  • Oneliner #1137

    pizzaYou can't make everyone happy; you are not pizza.

  • Oneliner #1142

    board roomMy boss said, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have;"

    now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

  • Oneliner #1163

    medic alert I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately!

  • Oneliner #1167

    Picture of Sigmund FreudI was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.

  • Oneliner #1173

    keys and remoteThe only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!

  • Oneliner #1178

    prisonerOften when one door closes and another door opens... you're in prison.

  • Sports Close-up

    baseballI wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

    Then it hit me!

  • Why Some Countries CAN'T Go Metric

    milestoneIf the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:

    * A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

    * Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

    * Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

    * Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

    * Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.06 kilometers.

    * Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

  • Word Play

    theatreI did a theatrical performance about puns.

    It was a play on words.