1.  What are you thinking about?
2.  Do you love me?
3.  Do I look fat?
4.  Do you think she is prettier than me?
5.  What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly.  Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

Back in the days before digital music, a woman intended to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner, "but I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

*  "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."

*  "Ronnie would not finish his work last night.  He said his brain was too tired of spelling."

*  "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend.  He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings.

One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.

The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."

"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.

"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

When my best friend James came home on his first Army leave, my little brother asked him what he did in the service.

"I do calisthenics, shoot guns and follow orders," James replied.

Walking in town that day, James and I ran into a buddy who also asked him what he did in the Army. James gave the same reply:

"I do calisthenics, shoot guns and follow orders."

A while later, we met a former classmate, an attractive woman, and she asked the same question. This time, James said,

"I'm studying communications, learning foreign languages and traveling around the world."

One day a man went to an auction.

While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."

And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.

Just a few decades ago, before the days of Google and online information, people would call an operator to get a phone number they needed. Often these phone calls resulted in funny conversations as people tried to explain what they needed or who they were trying to get in touch with.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

If the car ad claims these items, it really means:

- rough condition = too bad to lie about

- parts car = beyond repair

- immaculate = recently washed

- engine quiet = if you use 90-weight oil

- needs minor overhaul = needs an engine

A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have a meal.

Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together.

The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"

The newspaper editor was instructing the cub reporter in important details of his calling.

"Never state as a fact anything you are not absolutely sure about," said the editor.

"To avoid putting the paper in the position of stating something which it may not be able to prove, you should always use the words 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on, unless you know positively that everything is true as stated.

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.  At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.

Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles. 

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist.

"Hello. Please mark William absent today," said the man.

"Yes of course. May I ask why?" asked the receptionist.

"He is sick," said the man.

"No problem. May I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.

"My uncle." said William.

An acquaintance of mine, whose daughter was about to be married, decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that, instead of a fee she would accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table. "These Texas women are tough!"

Mr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Mr. Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

Replied Mr. Lee, "No, from skipping."

"I'll have to telegraph him again," Tom said remorsefully.

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his yard and ruining his flower beds. He had tried everything.

Two weeks later, a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

A plateau: the highest form of flattery.

I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

The girl replied, "The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, ma'am."

The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever.

One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."

Leaving Montreal for Quebec, I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.

I went into the washroom.

The first stall was taken so I went to the second stall. I'd just sat down when I heard a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how's it going?"

Now I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but finally I said, "...Not bad..."

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked confused.

"Umm, he's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like.

She said, "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.

At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election.

"More on candidates at 10 P.M.," he said.

My ten-year-old granddaughter Ashley looked at me in disbelief.

"I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!" she remarked.

A first-time prisoner is placed in his cell with a cellmate. Before long it is time for "lights out" and the cell-block becomes dark nearly silent.

Eventually, a voice from across the cell-block cries out "twenty-two!" and everyone breaks out into loud and prolonged laughter. A little while later another voice calls out "forty-one!" and again the entire cell-block enjoys a hearty laugh.

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said, "Have you tried euthanasia?" and in the background, my mom yelled, "For the last time, it's echinacea!"

My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"

I thought... "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."

I told my parents they're famous now. I asked my dad who should play him in the movie and his answer did not disappoint: 

"Clint Eastward."

Walkie-talkies neither walk nor talk; they should be called holdie-noisies.

Anyone who goes to a psychoanalyst should have his head examined.

- Samuel Goldwyn

He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.

The human brain is amazing; it functions 24/7 from the day we're born and only stops when you're taking a test or speaking to someone attractive.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager; I just hang around everyone I know, all the time and if someone wants to get hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

- Mitch Hedberg

You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I'm not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.

Ninety percent of being married is just shouting "What?" from other rooms.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"... stupid firemen.

Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks: Rufus and Clarence.

They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup you!"

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.

Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Caller: I'd like the RSPCA, please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.

Caller: The water board, please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water

They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.

An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had finished his sermon.  He went on a walk that afternoon with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:

For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:

Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY:

Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY:

Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

It was John's turn to drive carpool into town on a day when a new member was traveling along for the first time. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his new carpooling passenger.

John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! Ah, just as he suspected! He immediately slammed on the brakes, ordered the fellow out, and said, "Hand over the wallet!"

~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

- I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are going to try!

- We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is I'm sick of you.

- It's not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than anyone else in the place.

- Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're fired!

- I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work ever again.

- Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.

Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of capris.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.