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Communication Jokes

  • A Love Supreme

    record playerBack in the days before digital music, a woman intended to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

    "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner, "but I have a wife and eleven children."

    "Is that a record?" she inquired.

    "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

  • Diet Skipping

    calendarMr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

    "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

    When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

    "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

    Mr. Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

    "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

    Replied Mr. Lee, "No, from skipping."

  • Extra Fudge

    ice cream3I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

    The girl replied, "The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, ma'am."

  • I'll Call Back

    rest areaLeaving Montreal for Quebec, I decided to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.

    I went into the washroom.

    The first stall was taken so I went to the second stall. I'd just sat down when I heard a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how's it going?"

    Now I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but finally I said, "...Not bad..."

  • Mom Wonder

    mother and daughter2A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like.

    She said, "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

    The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.

    At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

  • Oneliner #1077

    cell phoneI don't own a cell phone or a pager; I just hang around everyone I know, all the time and if someone wants to get hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • Oneliner #1124

    man gaggedYou have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

  • Oneliner #1168

    man afraidI'm not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.

  • Phone Calls

    phone helpCaller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.

    Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
    Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

    Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
    Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
    Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

    Caller: I'd like the RSPCA, please.
    Operator: Where are you calling from?
    Caller: The living room.

    Caller: The water board, please.
    Operator: Which department?
    Caller: Tap water

  • Wait Watching

    clothes pantsHaving lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

    Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of capris.

    "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

    Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

  • Why Some Countries CAN'T Go Metric

    milestoneIf the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:

    * A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

    * Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

    * Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

    * Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

    * Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.06 kilometers.

    * Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.