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Relationship Jokes

  • 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask Men

    couple argue1.  What are you thinking about?
    2.  Do you love me?
    3.  Do I look fat?
    4.  Do you think she is prettier than me?
    5.  What would you do if I died?

    What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly.  Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

    Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

  • Blind Out

    couple on dateAfter being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. He was relieved when his cell phone rang.

    After answering, acting shocked and then hanging up the call, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim look and said, "I have bad news. My my house is on fire."

    "Wonderful!" his date said. "If yours hadn't burned, mine would have had to."

  • Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

    couple argue2Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...(especially when you share the same major!)

    PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

    SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

  • Criticism, Feedback, Judgement

    letterA minister was opening his mail one morning and drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."

    The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name.

    "But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name but forgot to write a letter."

  • Cruise Pun

    cruise shipMen, if you went on a cruise ship during your summer vacation and you met a woman and fell in love, here's some advice my wise old Uncle Waldo once told me:

    "There's a 50/50 chance that someday you'll wind up very she sick."

  • Dr. Benchvorkian

    shoppingBuyer Beware: Shopping malls have benches, so guys can sit while they give up the will to live.

  • Ozark Bridge Pun

    bridge3There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks: Rufus and Clarence.

    They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

    "Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup you!"

  • Surprise Gift

    perfume giftThe man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

    "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

    "You bet," answered the customer.

    "She's expecting a cruise."

  • The Good Night Kiss

    front porchAt the end of their first date, a young man takes the girl back to her home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?"

    Embarrassed, she replies, "Oh, I couldn’t do that. My parents will see us!"

    "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

  • Things Not To Say When Hanging The Lights

    Don't say it.Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.

    We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

    --"You've got two red lights right next to each other, Honey. You're supposed to go yellow, red, green, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

    --"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

  • Worst Memory

    wife's memory jokeTwo men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of."

    The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"

    "Nope. She remembers everything."