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Relationship Jokes

  • couple argue1.  What are you thinking about?
    2.  Do you love me?
    3.  Do I look fat?
    4.  Do you think she is prettier than me?
    5.  What would you do if I died?

    What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly.  Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

    Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

  • couple on dateAfter being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. He was relieved when his cell phone rang.

    After answering, acting shocked and then hanging up the call, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim look and said, "I have bad news. My my house is on fire."

    "Wonderful!" his date said. "If yours hadn't burned, mine would have had to."

  • couple argue2Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...(especially when you share the same major!)

    PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

    SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

  • letterA minister was opening his mail one morning and drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."

    The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name.

    "But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name but forgot to write a letter."

  • cruise shipMen, if you went on a cruise ship during your summer vacation and you met a woman and fell in love, here's some advice my wise old Uncle Waldo once told me:

    "There's a 50/50 chance that someday you'll wind up very she sick."

  • shoppingBuyer Beware: Shopping malls have benches, so guys can sit while they give up the will to live.

  • bridge3There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks: Rufus and Clarence.

    They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

    "Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup you!"

  • house2Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

    A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

    "No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date. He'll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl."

    "So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

    "Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

  • perfume giftThe man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

    "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

    "You bet," answered the customer.

    "She's expecting a cruise."

  • front porchAt the end of their first date, a young man takes the girl back to her home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?"

    Embarrassed, she replies, "Oh, I couldn’t do that. My parents will see us!"

    "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

  • Don't say it.Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering.

    We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

    --"You've got two red lights right next to each other, Honey. You're supposed to go yellow, red, green, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."

    --"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

  • boy soccerballA family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression.

    But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily,

    "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"

    "Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. 

    "And then what did she do?"

    "Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.

  • wife's memory jokeTwo men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of."

    The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"

    "Nope. She remembers everything."