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Marriage Jokes

  • 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask Men

    couple argue1.  What are you thinking about?
    2.  Do you love me?
    3.  Do I look fat?
    4.  Do you think she is prettier than me?
    5.  What would you do if I died?

    What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly.  Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

    Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

  • Age

    bowlingWhen you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.

    When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

  • Blessed Again

    casseroleA young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty new bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers.

    "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

  • Cheap Gas

    gas pumpWhen the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought special non-leaded or regular gas, but she couldn't remember.

    "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the roughness of the engine."

    "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

    "Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probingly.

    "It cost the same as always." said the wife.

    "I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth."

  • Checking Out

    power workersI was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

    Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

    "Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

  • Choosing a Husband

    wedding cakeA store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors, and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

    On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

  • Diet Woes

    food cholesteralA dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

    "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    A 75-year-old man in the back row stood up and shouted, "Wedding cake."

  • Dress Theft

    dress"You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

    "Yes," answered the suspect.

    "And what did you steal?"

    "A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.

    "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"

    "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But my wife didn't like the color."

  • Dull Razor

    razorOne morning, while shaving, a fellow started cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. 

    "What's the matter?" she called out. 

    "My razor -- it won't cut!" he answered.

    "Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?"

  • Earthly Treasures

    clocks antiqueShowing his friend around his his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

    "The day before I die, I'm going to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."

    "But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."

    "Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

  • End Nail Biting

    woman oldTwo elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

    "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That habit really bothers me!" the first one said.

    "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented, "but I broke him of that habit real quick."

    "What did you do?"

    "I hid his teeth!"

  • Engaged Seniors

    senior coupleJacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 were all excited about their decision to get married.  They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they passed a drugstore.  Jacob suggested that they go in.

    Doing so, he addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

    The pharmacist answered: "Yes."

    Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

    Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

  • Fed Up Husband

    combA husband and wife had been married only a few short years, and he was getting fed up with being bossed around by his wife; so he went to see a psychiatrist.

    The psychiatrist told the husband that he needed to build his self-esteem, and gave him a booklet on assertiveness to read.

    By the time he reached home, he had finished reading the booklet. He stormed into the house and walked up to his wife, pointed a finger in her face and said,

  • Fiery Love

    kitchen newJolene had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.

    She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen.

    A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added,

    "We were all so glad that the fire was confined to the kitchen."

  • Finally

    thiefA man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

    The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out.

    This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.

  • First and Next

    senior coupleA widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

    "Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

    "What stopped him?"

    "I started talking about my next husband."

  • Fishing Trip

    fishing1"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

    "Oh, everything went wrong: first he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

    "All that might have been all right; but, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

  • Frozen Frustration

    freezer copyJane had a system for labelling home-made freezer meals.

    She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

    Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.

  • Geraniums

    A man walked into a flower shop and after looking around for several minutes, asked the clerk if there were any potted geraniums he could buy.flower geranium

    "I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop,

    "We don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

    Replied the customer sadly,

    "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

  • Goober Doubling

    oven temperature guageIf you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
    http://www.cybersalt.org/pastor-tim-s-cleanlaugh-site/what-is-a-goober 

    Mr. & Mrs. Goober have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Goober comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night.

    Mrs. Goober, is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

    Since this is their first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

    Friday morning Mrs. Goober calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

  • Guard Dog Karate

    dog scottyA young couple lived in a town filled with crime.

    After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

    Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.

    "Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"

    The woman didn't believe the clerk, so he told the dog to karate a chair. The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to karate a table, and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home.

  • Hat Blessing

    A joke about a Rabbi, a hat, and horse racingA Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi.

    "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the rabbi.  "Thank you very much."

    The rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."

    The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1.  He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.

  • Hearing Test

    kitchen oldA man goes to his doctor and says "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

    The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

    The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says "What's for dinner, Honey?" No response.

    He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. No response.

    Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

    She turns and in exasperation says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

  • Helping Out

    stampsFor a while my husband and I had opposite schedules.

    He worked during the day, and I worked at night.

    One morning I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!"

    As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.

    The next morning I found the same note.

    "STAMPS!" was crossed out.

    Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

  • Hurry Home

    preacher2It has to be confessed that the minister was rather long-winded.

    During his sermon a young wife of the congregation remembered that she had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame.

    She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher.

    He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the pulpit.

  • Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

    A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her mobile phone.

    The wife said, " Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

    He said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

    Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

    "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

    "Well, I am in the gun shop next door to that."

  • Husband Shopping Center

    mallRecently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

    A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

    The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" so up they went.

    The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking."

  • Investing, Long Term Planning

    bananas green and yellowApproaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

    "And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."

    "Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."

  • Invitation

    book mysteryMrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.

    Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

    "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

    "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."

  • Laundry Husband

    washing machineOne day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

    Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

    "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

    He yelled back, "Just do it!!"

  • Letter From Mom

    mailboxWhen the man came home, his wife was crying.

    "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

    "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

    "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you and marked private arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

    "And?"

    "At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

  • Line Ups

    A joke about a widow at her complaining husband's funeralOnce upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He complained about everything.

    One day he went to the creek with his mule and as he went he complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

    At the funeral, as men walked by Steve's wife she shook her head "yes." Every time women walked by she shook her head "no."

    The minister asked ''Why are you shaking your head "yes" for men and "no" for women?''

    Her response was, ''When the men walk by saying how sorry they feel for me, I respond saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walk by, they keep asking if the mule is for sale"

  • Listening In

    pay phoneA long time ago, before the days of cell phones, I needed to call home, and the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.

    Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word.

  • Marriage Teamwork

    police pull overA Police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The Officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph. sir."

    The driver says, "But officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

  • Matching Shoes

    bald man1John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.

    They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

    Nancy replied, "Silver."

    At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep silver...to match her hair."

    Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So, John, I guess you are going barefoot."

  • Missing You

    Dog Waits for OwnerDave went on a business trip for a few days.

    When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him.

    "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

    "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

    "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

  • Modest Income

    Picture of Newlyweds"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"

    "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"

  • Nail Biting

    elderly coupleTwo older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

    "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

    "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

    "What did you do?"

    "I hid his teeth!"

  • Nervous Man

    prescriptionA very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.

    After checking the chart, the doctor nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.

    The man asked, "How often do I take these?"

    "Let's start off with one every six hours. But they're not for you," replied the doctor. 

    "They're for your wife."

  • New Year's Football vs. Dinner

    footballAs in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

    Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

    "See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

  • Newlywed Grace

    wedding ringsA recently married man was walking with his father one day and said:

    "My new wife's cooking is so bad, we pray AFTER we eat!"

  • Number Married

    bride and groomI just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married.

    I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

  • Oily Hair

    olive oilTrying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it.

    Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

    That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

    "No," he said, sniffing me.

    "Do I smell like Popeye?"

  • Old Friends

    couple oldAmy and Judy are old friends.

    They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

    "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

    "I'm so sorry for you. As I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day," replies Judy.

    "Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

  • Oneliner #0978

    bed copy"If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side."
    – Stuart Turner

  • Oneliner #1031

    couple3My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things; but I laugh more.

  • Oneliner #1084

    dogs"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."

    - Nora Ephron

  • Oneliner #1113

    burns and bennyDying is not popular; it has never caught on.

    That's understandable; it's bad for the complexion.

    - George Burns

  • Oneliner #1164

    couple4The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological; one is Psycho and the other is Logical - and whatever you do, don't try to figure out Who is Who.

  • Poor Widow

    moneyA woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name.

    After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left.

    The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"