New Years Jokes

  • new years_eveThis year, I resolve to...

    - Gain weight; at least 30 pounds.

    - Stop exercising; waste of time.

    - Read less; makes you think.

    - Watch more TV; I've been missing some good stuff.

    - Procrastinate more; starting tomorrow.

  • This New Years Resolution features a family dog repentent in the New Year
  • footballAs in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

    Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

    "See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

  • "800 X 600 would be too cramped. 1024 X 768 wouldn't be bad but would still be somewhat restrictive. 1920 X 1200. Those are dimensions I would love. Mom's asked us to choose resolutions for the New Year."
    Foxtrot, by Bill Amend

  • picture of computer screensWhat is my New Years resolution?

    I'll probably keep it at 1280x1024 like always.

    Thanks for asking.

  • IQ Test One-linerTo kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

  • Twas the month after New Year's, and all through the house
    Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
    The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
    At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
    When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
    Then I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
    I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
    The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
    The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
    And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
    As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
    And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
    I said to myself, as I only can
    "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
    So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
    Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
    Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
    'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
    I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
    I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
    I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
    I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
    I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
    But isn't that what January is for?
    Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
    Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
    • Dog New Year's ResolutionsI will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
    • I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the backyard with it.
    • I will not chew red crayons or pens because my master will think that I am hemorrhaging.
    • I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
    • I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.