Heaven Jokes

  • man son2A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

    "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. 

    "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

    The boy thought a moment and then said,

    "Did God throw him back down?"

  • duckThree guys got into a car crash and all died. When they got up to heaven and met St. Peter at the gates, Peter said, "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck."

    The gates opened and they saw there were ducks everywhere; all over the ground, on tabletops, on the gold paved streets - everywhere!

  • Is there golf in heaven joke?A man who was an avid golfer finally got a once in a lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he got to the Pope and said, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"

  • pearly gatesA guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

    "How current is your copy?" he asks.

    "I get a download every fifteen minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"

  • pearly gatesA young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.

    The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.

    The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year."

    The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.

    She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.

    He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?"

    The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year..."

    "Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"

  • clouds openingFather Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    The man said, "I do Father."

    The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"  He then approached a second man.  "Do you want to got to heaven?"

    "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.  "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

    Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

    The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

    O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die.  Yes Father.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."