Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.  At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.

Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles. 

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

It has to be confessed that the minister was rather long-winded.

During his sermon a young wife of the congregation remembered that she had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame.

She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher.

He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the pulpit.

The preacher spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how all men are sinners with no exceptions.

At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does anyone here think they are without sin?"

He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews stood up.

The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a fiery sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?"

The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but for my wife's first husband."

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"  He then approached a second man.  "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.  "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die.  Yes Father.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."