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Philosophy Jokes

  • Cow-isms

    *Various organizational philosophies explained in "two cow" terms.*

    cow2Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

    Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

    Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

    Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

  • Dating a Philosopher

    datingTrying to date a philosophy professor?

    He doesn't even know if you exist or not!

  • Housecleaning Philosophy

    woman cleaningI don't do windows because...
    I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

    I don't wax floors because...
    I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)

    I don't mind the dust bunnies because...
    They are very good company; I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

  • Mistakes

    mistake1If a barber makes a mistake,
    It's a new style...

    If a driver makes a mistake,
    It is an accident...

    If a engineer makes a mistake,
    It is a new venture...

    If parents makes a mistake,
    It is a new generation...

    If a politician makes a mistake,
    It is a new law...

  • Oneliner #0958

    Chicken or Egg First?I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon: I’ll let you know...

  • Oneliner #1114

    book ideaTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  • Philosophy

    glass waterA friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.

    After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.

    With maximum drama, he took a 12-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.

    He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?"

    Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."

  • Waterology

    milk2I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whether you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.

    Optimist:
    The glass is half full.

    Pessimist:
    The glass is half empty.

    Apple Computer:
    You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.