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Catholic Jokes

  • church candlesMrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

    The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye!  Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

    She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

    The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

    She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

    The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

    She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

    They parted ways.  Some years later they met again.  The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

    She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

    The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

    She replied, "Oh yes, Father!  Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

    The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"

    She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle."

  • dictionary*Catholic Dictionary*

    AMEN:
    The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

    BULLETIN:
    1.  Parish information, read only during the homily.
    2.  Catholic air conditioning.
    3.  Your receipt for attending Mass.

    CHOIR:
    A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

    HOLY WATER:
    A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

    HYMN:
    A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

  • broken windowLittle Danny O'Brien, a fine Catholic lad, was out looking for trouble. 

    He tripped people on the street, threw bricks through windows, smacked folks on the head and generally caused mischief until a passing cop stopped him.

    "What's going on here!"  bellowed the officer.

    "It's like this officer," winked Danny. 

    "I am on my way to confession and I'm a little short of material."

  • vampireBefore you read this PearlyGates item, I want to warn you that there is a word used in a manner within it that not all of you may appreciate. I myself, personally, do not think this joke is unclean but it may push the limits for some of you so please, if you don't think you can resist the urge to e-mail a lecturing rebuke to me if you are offended, just delete today's post.

    Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are travelling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania.  As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

    "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

  • footballMorris a young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. 

    At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport.

    The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at Notre Dame ?"

    The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"