logo

sign-up-for-free-cybersalt-today-button

Self-Righteousness Illustrations

  • judges gavelAfter a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench.

    "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."

    The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

    Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."

  • arrow drawA salesman is driving down a country road when he sees a young kid in front of a barn. On the barn are 5 targets with arrows in the bull's eye of each target. Screeching to a stop he runs out to the kid amazed that this kid could shoot so well.

    "Son," he says, "how did you hit all those bull's eyes?"

    "Well sir," the boy replied, "I take the arrow and lick my fingers like this, then I take my fingers and straighten the feathers like this, take aim with my hand against my cheek, let go and where ever the arrow hits, I draw a bull's eye."

  • failure targetA male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

    The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

    "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

    "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there — and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

    "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

  • smoking2A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

    The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"

    "Four."

    "How long have you been smoking?"

  • flower bunchA stuffy old dowager was explaining to the Jewish florist how she wanted the flowers arranged at the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) meeting to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

    "Actually," she said, "one of my ancestors was present at the presentation of the document to the Congress."

    "How very nice." replied Morris the florist.

    "One of my mine was present at the presentation of the Ten Commandments to the world."

  • traffic cameraAn off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

    "This guy must have mixed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

    A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

  • A British Airways flight between South Africa and Britain had some tension.On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

    "What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.

    "Can't you see?" she said, " You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

  • boy soccerballThanks to List member Dannette from Ohio for this true story about her son.

    When my son was 4, I was in a Women's Bible Study group. They had classes for children as well, while we studied in our groups. One day, as my son and I were walking to our car, he said to me, "Mom, I'm not going to sin anymore."

    You can imagine my pride at hearing this. Then I got to wondering why he said this, so I asked him.

    His answer was quick: "Jesus said if you don't sin, you can throw the first stone, and I want to throw the first stone."

    - Dannette from Ohio

  • Self-righteousnessTwo elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of the church listening to a fiery preacher.

    When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out, "Amen, Brother!"

    When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "You preach it, Reverend!"

  • A self-righteous speechPraise God, everyone! Welcome to our annual membership re-commitment committee. Think of this as a tune-up for the soul. We're going to run a diagnostic on your spiritual life to make sure you're still committed.

    My name?

    Call me God's Enforcer. And no, there are no other committee members. Yes, it was sad to watch them go but, alas, they wouldn't measure up to The Standard. Huh? Well, I set The Standard. That's my job.

    Shall we begin? 

  • couple oldBernie and Esther were not the most religious couple and in fact, they really only went to church once a year.

    As they were leaving the church, the minister said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"

    "I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

    "That's great," the minister said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

    "Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."

  • personA funny story is told about General George Patton from his World War II days. He once accepted an invitation to dine at a press camp in Africa. Wine was served in canteen cups but, obviously thinking he was served coffee, Patton poured cream into his cup. As he stirred in sugar, Patton was warned that his cup contained red wine and not coffee.

    Now, General Patton could never, never be wrong. Without hesitating he replied, "I know. I like my wine this way." And he drank it!

  • Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially if you are one of the ladies who bake for church events...

    An angel food cake disaster story that turns out well.Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after running through cabinets, she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

    When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought to herself, "Oh dear. There is no time to bake another cake."