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More Jokes

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    Some Great Malapropisms...

    "I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder.""You can't pull the sheep over…
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    Shoplifter Excuse

    My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was…
  • cooking

    Cooking Terms

    Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a…
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    Swerving Goober

    A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the goober driver.…
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    There's Teacher

    The children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to…
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    Bishop's Role

    We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and…
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    Cave Soliciting

    Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing.…
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    People and Mistakes

    People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes.People who do less work... make fewer…
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    Kitty Hostage

    My grandson Christopher is about six.He went to the next-door neighbors fence and…
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    Airport Security

    Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to…
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    Haiku Error Messages

    Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new…
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    Baby Wrap

    Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their…
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    Fire Test

    Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall. Before each…
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    Rich Guy

    One day a rich man drives pass a open field and he sees a guy standing there eating grass…
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    Cleaning Job

    Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple.…

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.  She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

And then she voted.

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I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center.  

One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what hours the call center was open.  I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh,  Pacific."

And then he voted.

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So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.

She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

And then she voted.

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I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher was talking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on the battlefield to burst enemy soldiers' chests.

One Individual in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid!  Why don't they just wear headphones?"

And a few years later, he voted.

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car.  It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.

She keeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket.

And then she voted.

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I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.  My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"

I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

And then she voted.

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My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better.  The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive.  

My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"   

To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey."

And then he voted.

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I was at a convenience store buying a 99-cent "Behemoth Gulp" or some such thing.  The cost with tax was $1.02.  I only had a $5 bill.  The clerk asked if I had two pennies.  I said I didn't.

She said, "We'll take a couple from here,"  and got two pennies out of her penny cup at the register.  She handed me back my change: $4 in bills and the two pennies.

And then she voted.

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My wife and I were trying to find a carry-on suitcase in one of those huge discount stores and had become hopelessly lost.  We stopped and asked a department manager where we might find suitcases.

"Did you try in Luggage?" she asked, and returned to what she was doing.

And then she voted.

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.  So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.  She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.  

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

And then she voted.

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After a meal at a nice restaurant, an Individual, rubbing his stomach, said, "I don't know about you guys but I'm flabbergasted."

And then he voted.

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My wife was shopping at a discount store and saw a pair of sunglasses marked at $0.00.  She noted that it was missing one screw for the earpiece, but figured she could fix it.

When she went to "buy" the free glasses the cashier looked very confused and called over a manager.  After much "Individual-speak" between them, they concluded that they couldn't sell my wife the glasses and had to throw them away.  My wife tried to ask why they wouldn't just give her the glasses if they were going to throw them away anyway, but the cashier wouldn't budge and threw them into the garbage right in front of my wife.

And then he voted.

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