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    Some Wacky Definitions

    EGOCENTRIC: a person who believes he is everything you know you are. MAGAZINE: bunch of…
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    Heard By Tech

    Things heard by tech support:Customer: "I have Microword Soft."Customer: "Microwave…
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    Pain Cause

    A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my…
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    Truck-Stop Harassment

    A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.…
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    Reading Problem

    A patient came to me to discuss her nine year old son who was having difficulty reading.…
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    Hiccup Cure

    A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something to cure…
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    Incapacitated

    I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part…
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    Cake Baking for Mom's of Small Children

    Cake Baking for Mom's of Small Children Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.…
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    New Number

    We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on…
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    Get Well Soon

    A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.The doctors…
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    Skinny Lumberjack

    A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a…
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    The friars of Flowers (pun alert)

    Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to…
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    Weird Library Reference Questions

    All of these situations are real and some of them were mighty embarrassing.Enjoy! Part 1:…
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    Wooden Bayonet

    A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could…
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    Rules for Writers

    1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences…

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.  She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

And then she voted.

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I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center.  

One day I got a call from an Individual who asked what hours the call center was open.  I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh,  Pacific."

And then he voted.

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So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.

She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

And then she voted.

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I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher was talking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on the battlefield to burst enemy soldiers' chests.

One Individual in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid!  Why don't they just wear headphones?"

And a few years later, he voted.

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car.  It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.

She keeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket.

And then she voted.

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I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.  My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"

I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

And then she voted.

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My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better.  The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive.  

My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"   

To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey."

And then he voted.

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I was at a convenience store buying a 99-cent "Behemoth Gulp" or some such thing.  The cost with tax was $1.02.  I only had a $5 bill.  The clerk asked if I had two pennies.  I said I didn't.

She said, "We'll take a couple from here,"  and got two pennies out of her penny cup at the register.  She handed me back my change: $4 in bills and the two pennies.

And then she voted.

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My wife and I were trying to find a carry-on suitcase in one of those huge discount stores and had become hopelessly lost.  We stopped and asked a department manager where we might find suitcases.

"Did you try in Luggage?" she asked, and returned to what she was doing.

And then she voted.

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.  So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.  She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.  

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

And then she voted.

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After a meal at a nice restaurant, an Individual, rubbing his stomach, said, "I don't know about you guys but I'm flabbergasted."

And then he voted.

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My wife was shopping at a discount store and saw a pair of sunglasses marked at $0.00.  She noted that it was missing one screw for the earpiece, but figured she could fix it.

When she went to "buy" the free glasses the cashier looked very confused and called over a manager.  After much "Individual-speak" between them, they concluded that they couldn't sell my wife the glasses and had to throw them away.  My wife tried to ask why they wouldn't just give her the glasses if they were going to throw them away anyway, but the cashier wouldn't budge and threw them into the garbage right in front of my wife.

And then he voted.

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