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According to my conclusion, following years of reflection, only three kinds of people populate our world: those on a diet, those coming off a diet and those soon to begin a diet. Everyone falls into one of these categories.

Consequently, I have become an expert in this area and have some advice for anyone contemplating going on a diet. Perhaps someone has hinted that you need to lose weight and do not know where to begin.

Sometimes these hints can be a little too subtle. I remember several years ago the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage said she wanted to see less of me.

Not knowing just what she meant, I took several days off and left town. When I returned, my good wife sat me on the living room couch and had a frank talk with me. It was then I came to the conclusion I probably could benefit from going on a diet.

If you are just beginning “your” diet, I recommend . . .

According to my conclusion, following years of reflection, only three kinds of people populate our world: those on a diet, those coming off a diet and those soon to begin a diet. Everyone falls into one of these categories.

Consequently, I have become an expert in this area and have some advice for anyone contemplating going on a diet. Perhaps someone has hinted that you need to lose weight and do not know where to begin.

Sometimes these hints can be a little too subtle. I remember several years ago the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage said she wanted to see less of me.

Not knowing just what she meant, I took several days off and left town. When I returned, my good wife sat me on the living room couch and had a frank talk with me. It was then I came to the conclusion I probably could benefit from going on a diet.

If you are just beginning “your” diet, I recommend selecting three diets that appeal to you.

Why three diets? Quite simply, when you are starting something this drastic no one diet on the market has enough food to satisfy your hunger. Three is just about right.

May I suggest you mix these diets up; say, one for breakfast, a different one for lunch and a still different one for supper. Dieting, as everyone knows, is extremely hard work.

The more I try to stay on a sensible diet (one my good wife is supervising) the yummier those desserts look. It does not matter where I am ;the chances of running into one of my favorite desserts is just a little over 100 percent.

Even restaurants are not immune to this tragic phenomenon. If I stop in, usually by myself, they are running a two-for-one sale on my favorite dessert. Being of a weak character, I find it impossible to refrain from buying the special.

A little while back I was in the grocery store with my wife. I was pushing the shopping cart and she was supervising the entire operation. I turned a corner and started down an aisle and to my surprise, I saw an entire row of Moon Pies — the dessert of the gods.

“We do not need any of those,” she snapped.

“Need,” I said to myself so she could not hear me, “has nothing to do with it.”

While pushing the shopping cart I mused a little. If God really wanted me to be thin why did he create pies?

I’m convinced that Adam’s downfall in the Garden of Eden was an apple pie. Who can blame him for that? Eve, our mother, invented this sinful delight, probably with the help of that nasty ole Serpent.

Out of desperation I have finally put together a new plan. The only solution is to make other people eat and gain more weight, so I look thin in comparison. I try to hang around fat people for this reason.

I recently tried out my new strategy when I took a friend out to dinner one evening at a nice restaurant. I thought it would be the best place to begin.

We went in and were seated by the maitre d’ and begin studying the menu. At first I was a little nervous, but when I looked at my friend and noticed how much thinner he looked than me, I gained courage.

“Come on, Bill,” I goaded, “let’s splurge a little tonight. After all, we deserve it.”

“Oh, no,” Bill protested, “I have to watch my weight. I work hard to keep in shape.”

“One night won’t hurt you,” I badgered. I noticed he was weakening, so I went in for the kill.

“That porterhouse looks great, doesn’t it?”

I could see him drooling. And so he ordered it with all the trimmings.

The waitress looked at me and asked, “Will you have the same?”

“Oh no, I’m on a diet. Bring me a small salad,” I beamed.

I could feel Bill glaring at me, so I quickly changed the subject and engaged him in frivolous conversation. The meal came, and when we finished the waitress came and asked about dessert.

“Sure,” I chirped, “dessert sounds fine. What are you going to have Bill?”

“No dessert for me,” he objected.

“Ah, come on, Bill. How about a piece of apple pie? You like apple pie don’t you?”

“Well,” Bill stammered. “Are you going to have dessert?” he asked.

“Sure,” I assured.

Then I looked at the waitress and said, “He’ll have the apple pie, and make that ala mode.” I turned and winked at Bill.

He smiled.

Continuing with the dessert order I said, “And I’ll have some sugar-free Jell-O.”

Bill leered at me, but not wanting to make a scene said nothing. The dessert came and he ate the apple pie ala mode while watching me slowly tuck into my Jell-O.

I did feel a little guilty about Bill, but he must learn, like I have, that discipline and moderation are the order of life.

Even the Bible says, “Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:5-7 KJV.)

I really don’t have to be thin, just thinner than someone else — anybody else.

Copyright, Rev. James L. Snyder
Used With Permission
For reprint permission, contact the auther through his site at:
http://www.realezsites.com/bus/godspenman

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