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    Caught on the Job

    The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 A.M. He did his best for a while, but at…
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    Traffic Laughs

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    Interpreting Hotel Brochures

    Old world charm ............. No bathTropical .................... RainyMajestic setting…
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    60's Fans

    Fans of '60's music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got front-row tickets to…
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    Weight For Help

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    People and Mistakes

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    Locked Out

    First I had to work late. Then I discovered that I'd locked my keys in the car. But the…
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    Go Easy at First

    Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight…
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    Its On The Way

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    2 Requests

    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final…
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    Kids and Cliches

    I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the…
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    Back Seat Johnny

    A woman was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little…
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    Charm School 101

    At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm…
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    What Time Is It?

    A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He…
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    Scavenger Hunt

    A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he…

*New Computer Viruses You Should Know About*

THE LIBERAL VIRUS Before deleting all your files, this virus tells you: "That you don't need them anyway and they wouldn't want to be burdened with such overwhelming responsibilities as file maintenance."

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS This revolutionary virus does not horse around.  It warns you of impending hard disk attack -once if by LAN, twice if by C:\ POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

ROSS PEROT VIRUS Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident.  It'll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

SEARS VIRUS Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS Your programs can never be found again.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS Sings you a song (slightly off-key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen.
It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

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