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More Jokes

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    Insurance

    * A lot of life insurance policies cost a great deal of money to maintain. But look on…
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    Know Your Friends

    One day, a little boy visited a doctor for a vaccination. After the doctor gave him an…
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    Murphy's Laws for Parents

    1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week. 2. Leak proof…
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    Air Boss

    Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service Arctic exercise, I was assigned to…
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    School Excuse

    At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and…
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    Cleaning Instructions

    I bought a great new toilet seat recently.On the label was a suggestion on how to clean…
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    Coast Guard Lingo

    When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would be some adjustments. Not only…
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    Amazing Anagrams

    Not strictly humor, but truly amazing....Dormitory = Dirty RoomThe Morse Code = Here Come…
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    Forbidden Words

    An English professor announced to the class, "There are two words I don't allow in my…
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    Bubba's Friends

    Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just…
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    You're not a kid anymore when....

    You're not a kid anymore when....1. You're asleep but others worry that you're dead.2.…
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    Rejected Invitation

    Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her…
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    Research Team

    A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the…
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    Space Pen

    During the space race of the 60's, NASA decided that they needed a ball point pen that…
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    Driving Around

    I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on Highway…

*New Computer Viruses You Should Know About*

THE LIBERAL VIRUS Before deleting all your files, this virus tells you: "That you don't need them anyway and they wouldn't want to be burdened with such overwhelming responsibilities as file maintenance."

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS This revolutionary virus does not horse around.  It warns you of impending hard disk attack -once if by LAN, twice if by C:\ POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

ROSS PEROT VIRUS Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident.  It'll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

SEARS VIRUS Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS Your programs can never be found again.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS Sings you a song (slightly off-key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen.
It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

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