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    Getting Fat

    When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room…
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    Geese V

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    People and Mistakes

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    Caught on the Job

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    Flight Fear

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    ATM Correction

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    Know Your Friends

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    Flood Prediction

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    Prayer Postions

    Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman…
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    Goober 911

    Q: Why can't goobers dial 911?A: They can't find the "11" on the phone!
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    Walk-in Scream

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    Tonsils

    A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his…
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    How Hot Is It?

    How hot is it? The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The…
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    Tired Son

    A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back…
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    Factory Supplies

    At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines'…

The following are all quotes from 11 year-olds' science exams:

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is pure gin.  Hydrogin is gin and water."

"When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in test tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader "

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon.  All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

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