One-liners

I am going to be healthy if it kills me.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer; I saw it through my binoculars last night.

If you answer the phone and say, "Hello, you're on the air" most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things; but I laugh more.

What do they put for 'hair color'  on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

"I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to, I might fall down."

- George Burns

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?

I wish some of my co-workers weren't allowed in the break room ... because that's who I usually need a break from.

"Wow! That butterfly's gonna be HUGE!" said the first person to find a mummy.

I finally found a diet plan that works; it's called "The Cost of Food."

If you love something, let it go: unless it's balloons.

Six ways I plan to overcome procrastination:

1.