One-liners

If I was a mortician I'd tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.

My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.

One of the 'World's Strongest Man' events should be "Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together."

Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... how did 2 sticks win out!?

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.

Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."

We all think we're pretty smart until we try to turn on someone else's shower.

The cool part about naming your kid is you don't have to add 6 numbers to make sure the name is available.

I personally stay away from health foods. At my age, I need all the preservatives I can get.

- George Burns

It's taken me hours, but I finally put together this IKEA joke.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away; a garlic a day keeps everyone away!

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.

I really wish the dollar store would start selling gas.

The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

I remember when yoga was called Twister.