One-liners

Piety: you had me at pie.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday and I'll tell you what . . . never again!

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

"Please pray for my wife; she married an idiot."

@unappreciatedpastor

I'm called the master of suspense because

I was in a bathroom and I saw a sign that said employees must wash hands, but after I waited for what must've been 10 minutes no one came to wash my hands so I did it myself.

Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, will, read, this, like William, Shatner.

So I just read Starbucks is planning on selling beer and wine; apparently it's getting difficult to sell sober people a $10 cup of coffee.

My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.

I misplaced my thesaurus and feel terrible; just terrible, really terrible.

I didn’t sleep well last night so I made my coffee this morning with Red Bull instead of water.  I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my car.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his head.

"I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses."

So apparently the security guard at Safeway didn't believe that life gave me that lemon.