One-liners

I'm allergic to food – I break out in fat.

I wish my wallet came with free refills.

At the store today, when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me" apparently she was referring to my credit card!

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.

Auto-correct has become my worst enema.

I love sleep because it's like a time machine to breakfast.

How many boxes of these thin mints do I need to eat before I see results?

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver."

I just wanna have abs…olutely all the pasta and breadsticks.

If owls are so smart, how come they don't say, "Whom"?

The cops came to my door today to say that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, but I told them they had the wrong house because my dog doesn't own a bike!

The five-second rule for food dropped on the ground doesn't work if you have a two-second dog.

Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does: that's why I think of jogging everyday.

Here, let me show you how to micromanage.

I hate it when I think that I'm buying "Organic" vegetables, but when I get home they're just regular donuts.