One-liners

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon: I’ll let you know...

If you have to tell me what the rules are, at least use proper grammar....Thems the rules.

Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap 8 people at a time.

What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?

"I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club."

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee.

I want to grow my own food but I can’t find any bacon seeds.

For those of you who received a book from me for Christmas, they are due back to the Library on Tuesday.

Short in the front, long in the back . . . pickup trucks are the mullets of automobiles.

I think the discovery channel should be on a different channel every day.

I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.

I don't have time to discuss all the lies in your name, jellyfishes.

One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.