I bet the NSA's nickname for my mom is 'all caps in Florida'.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider’s web.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the WiFi router and wait in the room in which it is located.
My pillow is my hair stylist.
If I don't clean my home soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded people for a Febreeze commercial.
I can't believe all the singles in my area that want to meet me - it's probably because of all the iPads I've won!
The last time I took advice, it only worked because I changed it.
"Indescribable" sure has a lot of words.
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can - that's almost $7.00 in dog money."
- Joe Weinstein
Silence is Golden unless you have a toddler; then, silence is just suspicious.
Last night I watched a movie about Stockholm Syndrome; at first I hated it, but halfway through I never wanted it to end.
"Jet lag is nature's way of making sure you look like your passport photo."
I would like to join whatever weight loss program my wallet is on because its working wonders.
"Men say that women should come with instructions, but have you ever seen a man read instructions?"