One-liners

"You know you are no longer young when you hear a favorite song in an elevator."

I accidentally used aol.com to search for something today - I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.

"Paperclips are staples for people with commitment issues."

"The next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone I will look a them shocked and just whisper quietly, 'You can see me?'"

"So the Mayans could see the end of the world in 2012 but couldn't see the Spanish coming in 1520?"

"I just read a list of 100 things to do before you die and I’m pretty surprised 'Yell for help' wasn’t one of them."

“The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

"Silence is golden unless you have a toddler - then, silence is just suspicious."

"You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there‘s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail."

"I love to give homemade gifts - which one of my kids do you want?"

Dear Star Wars: All galaxies are far, far away - could you be more specific?

"The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes."

"The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own."

"The worst part about sharing a name with someone famous: you're always telling people, no, I'm not THAT Batman."

The Swiss Army could totally dismantle the Swedish Army if they just added an Allen wrench to their knives.