"Autocorrect: It can be your worst enema."
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
"I'm excited about the insomnia convention in 2 weeks time: Only 0 sleeps to go!"
"My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper."
"Ask me about my narcissism!"
"A recent survey found that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population."
"Retail Therapy should be covered by health insurance."
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon and follow them up with, "Ah I guess you had to be there."
"I used to be a people person but people ruined that for me."
Be An Optimist: No sense being pessimistic...it won't work anyway.
Anyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.
"Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos."
"Diets are hard - today I had cupcakes without sprinkles."
"Cigarettes are pretty much like cats: perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it."
"I don't date women my own age, there are no women my own age."
- George Burns
"They don't pay taxes, they barely speak English and they want our jobs - something must be done about children."