One-liners

"Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something."
- Mitch Hedberg

"Sliced bread: The best thing since ripped up bread."

"Women don't want to hear what you think.  Women want to hear what they think . . . in a deeper voice."
- Bill Cosby

"The plan for the paperless office looked good  . . . on paper."

"You've outdone yourself, as usual."

"Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film."

"Curiosity Killed the Cat: that's the dog's story, and he's sticking to it!"

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before."

"We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done."

I start everyday with a sit up - I've done over 19,000 so far.

"One: How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?"

"R2D2 was the most foul mouthed movie character of all time - they beeped out every word he said."

Rearrange the letters in SLOT MACHINES and you get CASH LOST IN ME.

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to.

"But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down."

- Mitch Hedberg

AIBOHPHOBIA: (n.) the fear of palindromes