One-liners

“Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.”
- G.K. Chesterton

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
- Mitch Hedberg

"Before they made him they broke the mold."

Piñata Store: "You buy it, you break it."

" I was going to go to the Outdoor Wilderness Survival Show, but not in this weather!"

My wife complains that I over-analyze everything but these graphs & charts show that I don't.

Karl Marx Was Wrong: "Angry Birds" is the opiate of the masses.

If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds likes "orange."

"I'm super lazy - just like normal lazy, but I wear a cape."

"I'm trying to find myself, but to make it interesting I'm wearing camouflage."

"If you fall, I'll always be there to catch you."
- floor

A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers" to which I replied, "Scissors" and drove away.

"Polar bears can't jump."
- Black bears

"I childproofed my house but they still get in."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."