One-liners

"You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
- Mitch Hedberg

"Opposites attract, which is why it's horrible to be this handsome."

"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
- Mitch Hedberg

"The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels."

"My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will."

"I enjoy your company most when I am by myself."

"It's a good thing your car can't travel at the speed of light - your headlights wouldn't work."

"The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

"I intend to live forever; so far, so good."

"Buying stuff online gives me a reason to live for another 5-7 business days."

"Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem."

"Suburbia is where they tear out the trees and name streets after them."