One-liners

"All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand."

"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends."

People at my workplace have started a funny new tradition where they put names on food in the office fridge - today I ate sandwich called Mark.

"Half the people you know are below average."

"Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'"
- Dave Barry

"Human Relations: For every action, there is a corresponding overreaction."

Camouflauge Training: No one turned up... Oh wait a minute...

You know times are tough when you order a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asks, "Can you afford fries with that?"

"The French don't care what they do as long as they pronounce it properly."
- George Bernard Shaw

"Where I come from, the valleys are so narrow, dogs have to wag their tail up and down."
- Sam Snead

"Farming looks easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from a cornfield."
- Dwight D. 'Ike' Eisenhower

"Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses."
- Woody Allen

"Love your enemies, it will drive them nuts."
- Eleanor Doan