One-liners

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
- Steven Wright

"Some parents have a hard time deciding on a name for the new baby, but others have rich relatives."
- Don McElroy

"While people may not be a great deal wiser after my sermon, but they are always a great deal older."
- W R Inge

"Music hath charms to soothe a savage beast, but I'd rather have a gun."
- Josh Billings

"All this talk about death by chocolate, yet chocolate still roams free."

"Social Media Overload: Whenever I need a moment to myself, I just go to MySpace."

"It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life which enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month."

"Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?"

"There are two things I hate: Racists and the Portugese."
- Dave Cook 

"If aliens saw us picking up after our dogs while walking in the park, who will they think is the dominant species?"

"Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?"

"If you could watch my life backwards, you'd see a Jenny Craig success story."

"All's well that ends     "

"Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on."

"Debit card goes in, cash comes out. YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT."