Entertainment
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2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
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The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."
"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."
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Signs Your SUV Is Too Big
~ The last time you took your kids to a Monster Truck pull the parking attendants directed you right onto the stadium racetrack.
~ When you replaced your tires, Goodyear stock went up five dollars a share for the quarter.
~ Your garage is larger than your house.
~ One of those "Oversize Load" escort trucks has to precede you down the interstate.
~ Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as "downsizing."
~ Before you go out, you have to file for a parade permit.
~ You're the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004 Halliburton-Rolling House S-Class twin-turbo.
~ It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into orbit.
~ There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back.
~ It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.
~ It's great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down into an entire field, complete with goals.
~ You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver's seat.
~ Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.
~ Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201.
~ You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately because it qualifies as a WMD.
~ The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.
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"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's YOU."
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A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
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